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Hey everyone! By now you’ve probably heard that MMAJunkie was supposed to unveil a new site design last night at midnight, and then they totally pussed out last second because Mr Junkie got on TV and they don’t want to switch shit up while the site goes through a retarded influx of moronic FoxNews viewers.

Anyways, if you didn’t know, me and Dann are like tight. Christmas presents tight. Back rub tight. And while we’re the acid tripping cousin to MMAJunkie’s business executive, we still get some access you other peeps don’t get.

So lo and behold, the MMAJunkie guys have sent me a screenshot of their new site design. You can check it out here.

For the oldschool: You might remember a while ago when Orange Robot came onto the scene and destroyed all competition. Well, this year the next generation of robot fighters has appeared, and in the lead is White Balloon Robot, who is destined for a title shot if he takes the competition. Also featured in this tournament is the return of Red Robot and the new but deadly Penguin Robot.

Do you remember the craze of hybrid sports? Neither do I. That shit is normally relegated to the lameness of soccer-baseball and the even lamer, hippie infested Ultimate Frisbee. In case you never heard of the latter, it the combination of a manly sport (football) with it’s very antithesis (frisbee). The only people who still play either of those two crappy games are special Olympians, and stoners that live in communes and shower once a month.

In Germany, however, the spirit of hybrid sport lives on. This time, they’ve decided create the most ridiculous combination of sports known to man: Chess-Boxing. If you ever loved the Rocky Movies, and Searching for Bobby Fisher, the Germans have found a sport for you, my friend!

You’re probably wondering how this is supposed to work, and how the transition from exciting boxing match battle to slow, methodical chess happens. It’s simple, after a 3 minute round, the fighters get out of their boxing gear, and change into “chess mode”. A small table is brought into the center of the ring, and then the competitors go at it for 4 minutes of the most intense chess ever. This goes on for a total of 11 rounds: 5 of boxing, and 6 of chess, until either someone wins by knockout, or checkmate.

This hybrid would have made so much more sense if they had combined boxing with another sports fighters typically play, like binge drinking, or gay bashing. But instead, they bring chess into a ring, as though anyone fueled by the adrenaline of a fight is interested in anything other than blood, let alone a “pawn storm”

I half expect this new sport to disappear quickly, followed inevitably by another ridiculous hybrid meant to “test” the fighters on a range of other attributes. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my fighters to be anything more than testosterone junkies hell bent on smashing the other guys face in. When you mix brain with brawn, you get the kind of guy that’s too smart to let himself get slaughtered in the ring, and then, what the fuck is the point?

Pretty much every second question Joachim Hansen has to answer is “Why didn’t you agree to fight in the UFC?”. And every time Hansen answers like this:

“I just hope people understand that the problems [with Zuffa] weren’t about the money,” Hansen said. “It was about them treating me with honor and keeping their word. I would rather fight for free, then to bend down to them. My soul is not for sale. Anyways, now I’m a free man, and everything will be as it was,” explained the former Pride fighter.

Of course, if there’s anything Randy Couture has taught us is that when they say it’s not about the money, it’s really about the money:

They offered me a fight some months ago – I wasn’t sure if they had bought Pride for what the hell was going on. They offered me a fight against Marcus Aurelio, they offered me half the salary of what I got in Pride. Obviously at the time they had already bought Pride, in my opinion they also bought my contract, so how can they offer me half the salary?

Hey, I’m not about to argue with Hansen’s logic. If I got a new boss who tried to cut my salary in half, I’d have told them where to stick it and how deep too.

I really have to wonder what the fuck is going on with the UFC’s heads that they even try this shifty shit. We’re probably talking a 15-20k difference in pay, chump change for the UFC. Just fucking pay it, and if Hansen underperforms, you drop the guy’s contract. How the UFC can keep saying they’ve got the best fighters in the world and then drive away talent like Hellboy without even giving him one match just boggles my mind.

The UFC has just announced that Matt Serra will be hosting a ‘VIP Viewing Party’ for UFC 79 at Madison Square Garden. Basically that means you’re paying 30 bucks to cramp your neck looking up at the shitty jumbotron all night. This is a pretty old tradition during the hockey playoffs when your team is playing out of town, but a first for the UFC.

Everyone is asking “Is this a smart idea? Will this be popular?” I think most people are missing the point. While I’m sure the UFC would love it if this is successful, the real reason behind this has more to do with press in New York and is part of the UFC’s continued efforts to have MMA legalized.

All things said and done, if I wanted to go to an arena and watch the UFC on screens, I’d just go to a real event. If they set up an octagon on the floor at Madison Square Garden and then had 500 retards stand up in front of it to block everyone’s view, it would be just like the real thing!

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