Friday October 19th, Noon
Aloha from sunny central west Ohio. We are now on hour 18 of our 20 hour journey from Montreal to Cincinnati to see UFC 77, and thus far the trip has been pretty painful. We knew going into this that the bus was welfare, but we didn’t realize how lame and stupid the majority of the people who rode it were.
Montreal -> Toronto trip highlights:
Some homeless guy brewing a sweat stew under his poncho sleeping in front of us. About three hours into the trip he took off his ‘shoes’ and put his feet up on the window sill. Delightful.
The dumbest old bitch in the world who was sitting in the front seet holding up the bus at every stop. Every time we’d roll into a station, she’d get up and rummage through her 15 shopping bags, keeping anyone from being able to get on or off the bus.
As a result of these two morons (security got on the bus at one point to hassle the homeless guy – thank God transients are treated like shit), we came within 10 minutes of missing our 1AM connecting bus to Detroit. This would have been kinda horrific as we would have then been stuck overnight in the Toronto bus station. So the last two hours of this trip was spent wishing AIDS on the people who were slowing us down and contemplating which corner of the bus station would be safest to sleep in.
Fortunately we made it with 5 minutes to spare, and even a last second issue with our tickets (“You can’t use Greyhound Canada tickets on a Greyhound US bus! Go get them reprinted”), we made it on the bus.
Toronto -> Detroit
We were the only white people on this bus. This was the easiest 6 hours of the trip because I managed to sleep through most of it. But every time we’d stop at a station, the people getting off would manage to hit me in the face with their bags or elbows. One girl practically hip checked me with her fat ass. I love how everyone is so considerate.
Detroit -> Ohio
We asked a taxi driver at the Detroit bus station where to go for breakfast and he gave us directions to a Burger King in the ghetto. I stopped counting the mini-bottles of liquor strewn across the sidewalk after a while … it looked like a mini-bar service truck had exploded or something. Fortunately for us, gang bangers aren’t up at 7am on a Friday morning (surprising since the word METH was spray painted on so many buildings we walked past) so we managed to get back to the bus station with no problems.
We slept most of the way to the first rest stop, where we got an opportunity to buy some steamy beefy taco melts from Taco Bell. If you didn’t know, Taco Bell is banned in Quebec because of the quality of thier meats. I’ve wanted to try one of those taco melts since we were bainwashed by the ads during The Ultimate Fighter season premiere, and it didn’t dissapoint. At this point, Burger King + Taco Bell is starting to make my stomach feel queasy. The solution? A 500 calorie Payday bar and a Rockstar energy drink.
We just rolled out of Lima, Ohio, which has to be the most depressing town in the state. Half the buildings are boarded up, but apparently that doesn’t mean they’re condemned because there are people sitting out on the front patios of these places. The whole fucking town could use a coat of paint … it looks like there was a ban on fixing broken windows or repairing structural damage for the past 15 years.
More coming up!