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With all the mishaps going on with the Gracie Fighting Championships this weekend, I’ve been overlooking MMA’s other big disaster event of 2007, K1’s Dynamite USA card. Let’s take a look at some of the wacky things going on with that:

Booking a 70,000 seat stadium: Proof that whoever’s in charge is smoking crack, smack, or some super combination called crasmack. Current North American MMA attendance record is held by the UFC at 19,000. Current North American K1 attendance record : 276 people.

Booking Brock Lesnar: Not that bad of an idea, but might be more successful if this was done 5 years ago when people knew who that was. Also would be better if Brock didn’t have a penis tattoed on his chest. Also not the best case for being taken seriously when your main headliner is a former pro wrestler.

Booking Hong Man Choi: The Hong is a big favorite around the world because he’s like 10 feet tall or something. Unfortunately no one in the US knows this, and they all assume asians are 5 feet tall max.

Booking Royce / Sakuraba 2: I know many media writers like to appear gentrified and say this was the best match in the history of mixed martial arts. But trust me: the average joe would hate this match. And while a always enjoy watching Royce Gracie get pummelled, after 60 minutes I passed out from sheer boredom. Lets ask the magic 8 ball how this 25 minute fight will end: A decision? Stupid magic 8 ball. The correct answer is that this fight won’t even happen because Sakuraba’s brain is a big pile of mush held onto his spinal cord by twist ties.

The undercard sucks: With Gina Carano KO’ed by Thai food, the undercard is stacked with talented but unknown fighters. The best names they have are Jake Shields and Johnny Morton. Which is bad. I’ve seen more star power at fairground brawls. Mind you it’s not every day you see Jake the Snake in a fairground brawl … personally I’ve only seen that twice.

They’re doing this in the US: The irony of all this is that if they did this card in Japan, they would get 30,000+ people easily. Lesnar vs Choi and Gracie vs Sakuraba are huge dream matches in Japan, but here they’re laughed at. Pro wrestlers, genetic freaks, and two former heros past their prime. Things American audiences just don’t go for, but the Japanese eat up.

As it stands, Dana White must be peeing his pants with glee as his competition continue to burn large piles of money trying to get even a quarter of the viewers the UFC does. It’s now a dogged three way race between K1, Bodog, and the IFL to see who can lose the most money the fastest.

Chris Leben says he can’t wait for his UFC contract to expire so he can use other promotion companies as leverage for more money. This again proves that Leben isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. So far his greatest contribution to MMA was popping the ‘boys don’t cry’ cherry on The Ultimate Fighter, paving the way for countless others to break out the ladyshines. Another notable career experience was being ground up and fed to Anderson Silva, a fight anyone with half a brain would have turned down. Past that his only noticable win was a razor thin split decision over UFC washout Patrick Cote. After getting choked like a bitch by Jason MacDonald he’s on the edge of being back in the dark matches, fighting at UFC71 against Kaleb ‘Smelly’ Starnes. So what’s his complaint?

“I hate to say it, but I’m counting the days on my contract- because then I’m going to be able to cash in with this contract because I signed a contract on the show [The Ultimate Fighter]. I just got a raise. I’m up to like $10,000 and $10,000 now after like 8 fights in the UFC. There’s going to be people that want to pay me a lot more money and hopefully the UFC will realize how great I’ve been for them and step up to the plate,”

First off, at 10/10 Chris would have made 80k last year not including bonus and sponsor money. Of course that’s chump change compared to the coin I make off this blog, but there’s a lot of better fighters doing far worse. Secondly, the last guy who tried to use another promotion as leverage to get more money from the UFC was Brandon Vera and we all know how that turned out. Third, this is Chris Leben, who washed out of TUF1 twice! If being a shitty crybaby loudmouth punk is all it takes to make big bucks with the UFC, then I’m packing my bags and heading to Vegas.

I dunno if you heard, but apparently some guy named Georges said some stuff that made ultimate UFC Welterweight Champion Matt Serra angry. Now I wish i could comment on the stuff that Georges said, but honestly I can’t understand a word that guy says. I once asked him WTF was up with the ‘s’ at the end of ‘George’ and he said ‘hurousssstttachhhaque fromage’ and I said ‘OK Georges’ and had sex with ten hot models. True story.

Typically the bodog site is dedicated to masturbating it’s owner, Calvin Ayre. So imagine my surprise when I see an article that doesn’t even mention the erstwhile billionaire CEO. This article does a good job of lining up the recent events around fighters smoking pot, and points out an interesting double standard: Nick Diaz was fined 6000$, suspended for 6 months, and had the biggest win of his career annulled. Diego Sanchez was fined 500$, suspended for 3 months, and the CSAC kept it all very hush hush. Personally I think it’s all because Diaz is hispanic. Fucking CSAC racists.

(also note in the article that several of the pictures were credited to our man Luke from mad-squabbles. While Luke shouldn’t be getting cred for the pics, they definitely lifted a lot of the ideas and facts for the article from Luke’s articles on the same thing. Next time just hire Luke, guys!)

Here’s an interview with Fernando Yamasaki, the promoter who threw the MMAC show in Washington DC last weekend. These guys did a hell of a job pushing through legal barriers and retarded boxing commission hurdles to throw the first MMA show in the capitol. The interview covers all sorts of crazy stuff, like having to shell out 11K for brain scans. Now I feel bad that I had to get one every time my dad’s horse kicked me in the head. The one thing he doesn’t mention is what a knockout job my man Luke Thomas did on color commentary. And for that I am going to send my ninja assassin monkey Juario to teach him a lesson. Go Juario go, spread your monkey terror!

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