UFC Fight Night 30 is tomorrow, and nearly all the fighters on the UK card made weight today. Nearly all except Brazilian chub-master John Lineker that is, who missed the flyweight cutoff by stepping on the scale and breaking it. Homeboy was 128 pounds – which normally wouldn’t sound so egregious, but since this is about the eleventh time the overgrown garden gnome has failed to make the tonnage limit he’d contractually agreed upon months ago… well, it’s pretty safe to assume that unless Lineker displays actual superpowers in the Octagon tomorrow, the dude is getting the boot.
Of course, with his wild and carefree eating habits, Lineker can now join the esteemed ranks of the League of Fat Fighters. Other members of that elite group include:
- Anthony “Rumble” Johnson, who was kicked out of the UFC for repeatedly failing to make welterweight over and over again and now fights at superheavyweight (265+ pounds) for the World Series of Fighting.
- Gina Carano, who, no matter what her opponent weighed, would somehow always come in ten pounds above that number. (Coach to Carano, backstage at the weigh-ins: “Okay, Kaitlin Young just weighed in at 140 pounds – hurry and eat this cake, then step on the scale.”)
- Jason Guida, who crapped out of TUF for being a lardo, and showed the world his ball bag in the process.
- Thiago Alves, who weighed in at 174 for a bout against Matt Hughes, and then won via TKO. I guess that would make him the leader of this group. Or something.
Since there are three prizes, there will be three winners, with winner #1 getting first pick of what they want. Here, then, are the talented insulters:
- Adam – “This reminds me of when my dog fell in love with the end of the couch. http://mma.us/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/06-jim-genia-stare-down.jpg” Congrats, as this worked on both a visceral level (with me staring longingly into the eyes of “Bob”) and on an existential level (aren’t we all really just dogs falling in love with the end of the couch of life?). Anyhoo, you get the UFC bag.
- Nick – “I’ve seen better writing in Palhares’ personal journal.” Never mind that Rousimar Palhares is a best-selling author in Brazil (“Chicken Soup for the Torn ACL”, “Gone with the Shin”). The fact of the matter is that everyone assumes Palhares is just a simple jungle-dweller who probably reads Dr. Seuss books upside down, so the image your insult conjured is a fitting one. You can choose between a book written by some douchebag or some never-before-worn FCF t-shirts.
- Casey – “You write as if you’ve been injured by your father serving you some stove top stuffing. And by that I mean he has had vicious sex with you while pushed up against a kitchen appliance. It was at least one third consensual.” This happened, so you get whatever Nick doesn’t pick.
I will email each of you. Hit me back with your addresses and this motherfucker is on like Donkey Kong.
To the rest of you… hey, you tried. Except you glassjawsh. I really think you phoned this whole thing in.
Because that’s what I do. I go to underground fights.
Yeah, I’m cooler than you.
Continue after the Jump ››
Greetings, fools. As you’ve probably surmised, Fightlinker is in a bit of a transition period. But I say let’s make the most of it.
Since a few of you have tried to be witty by hurling half-assed insults in the comments section, we’ll make it a contest: Insult me employing all the humor, snark, creativity and brains you can muster, and to the best one I will mail a prize. But it has to be a good insult – and yes, I will be the judge. If it sounds like your insult was crafted in the dark recesses of your basement while your mom was getting railed by your overweight stepdad upstairs, I will sense those bitter tears in your eyes. If your effort betrays the fact that you ride around in a mobility scooter because in the fifth grade you realized you could skip gym and now your ass is fat, I will sense that laziness. SO MAKE IT GOOD.
What are the prizes? I don’t know. It could be this. It could be some old Full Contact Fighter t-shirts that were never worn and have been languishing in my drawer for years. Heck, it could even be this thing Zuffa was giving out to the press at UFC 33:
(Just the bag. I keep the arm.)
Judging by some of your efforts thus far, there are a few of you who are destined to lose. But I have faith that there’s at least one shining star among you.
So much MMA news gets conveyed in drab, no-frill form nowadays. From cookie-cutter video interviews to articles that could be the exact same piece of prose as the next only with different names, it’s a wonder that anyone pays attention anymore. Thankfully, the Japanese invented a form of poetry called the “haiku” specifically for the concise yet artistic expression of the news. Hooray for the Japanese!
- Dos Santos’ coach/ never thought to throw in the/ towel. What a douche.
- Joey Beltran has/ been cut by the UFC./ Does anyone care?
- Machida drinks piss./ Sometimes he drinks a lot of/ it. Sometimes he don’t.
- Palhares got fired./ On no! Will he find work? Who/ cares. The man’s a jerk.
- Kudos to Wand, who/ rustled up a TUF gig. But/ don’t push it, buddy.
- Miletich misses/ Strikeforce so much, sometimes he/ gazes outside and cries.
- “Screw you, shark,” said the/ surfer dude, who punched the shark/ then smoked a big bowl.