Rest easy people, Goldy is coming back

(Goldie showing off his meth teeth, or lack thereof)

As soon as it was announced that UFC commentator Mike Goldberg wouldn’t be calling UFC 155 we started fanning the flames of speculation, because hey, personal shit and illness are things we occasionally have to deal with. Others are not permitted to, especially when it fucks with our routine. Worry not though, Goldy is making his triumphant return at UFC on FOX 6, according to MMAWeekly.

But then again, we are a people that love us some conspiracy theory, aren’t we? Apparently the Sandy Hook Massacre never happened. It was all an elaborate plot orchestrated by the Department of Homeland Security at the behest of the president to take our guns away. Yep, they somehow managed to get together every employee of the school, every reporter who showed up to the scene, local emergency services, the state police, and the parents of every child in the school (most of whom are actually actors) for a whopper of a conspiracy that could set the all-time record for irrationality. But, the shit makes for some good conversation, so that’s all that really counts.

But truth be told, conspiracy is just fun. When Goldy dropped out my first thought was he had found himself a smooth young Filipino boyfriend and was taking time off to learn Tagalog so he could serenade his new love in his native tongue. But then the drug speculation came about and it seemed like a much more plausible scenario than mine. As it turns out, the man was just sick. How boring. Any way you slice it though, Goldy is fun to hate on.

He’s the man we all love to mock. He says absurd things, seems to have very little MMA knowledge despite calling the sport for the past 15 years, and has the whitest bottom teeth in the history of the world. But all the verbal gaffes, silly banter, and inane phrases like “These guys train hard, Joe” are all part of Goldy’s charm.

He’s allowed to miscall a choke, or not know what a 3-2-3 combination is. He’s not there for that, Joe Rogan is. Goldy is there to keep things moving, and he does that very well. Plus he and Rogan have such a great dynamic that it actually takes something away from the event when it’s disrupted.

Jon Anik is a fine commentator, don’t get me wrong. And watching him standing next to Rogan looking eerily like his petite, much dorkier younger brother was mildly entertaining. But I for one am glad Goldy is returning.

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