Sensei Seagal is here to prevent another Sandy Hook

You know, these articles just don’t write themselves, but this one comes pretty damn close.  Front Kick Forefather Steven Seagal is teaming up with Sheriff Joe Arpaio (who is 80 years old now, you know.  I’m just saying someone might want to start vetting his ideas) to help train 48 unpaid men and women in martial arts and firearms deportment in the hopes of preventing another school shooting.  “It’s pretty simple,” says the deputy giving last minute instructions.  “Just go in and save the day.  And don’t get shot.”  But Seagal is all about being the soft-spoken, inspirational cornerman, so he had these parting words for an eager posse recruit:

“You’re not doctors and lawyers when you’re responding… you’re cops. So when you say ‘get down on the ground!’ they gotta do it. If they don’t do it, you gotta make ‘em comply.  Quick. For every second that goes by you could be [pause] losing children.”

That’s right.  Shoot first, ask questions later.  That kind of thinking works out pretty good for the LAPD, I hear.  Also, I’m pretty sure these people aren’t doctors and lawyers in their own time, either.  Turns out Sheriff Joe has drawn these would-be school marshals from his regularly operating posse of 3,450 which includes a convicted child molester.  Whoops.  I guess there was one or two bound to slip through the cracks.

But don’t worry, not all of Arizona has lost its mind.  None of the schools within Arpaio’s dominion of Maricopa County have requested the services of his school security.  That makes me feel better, but maybe we could have John Walsh form a posse to protect our schools from Steven Seagal’s posse…?

After the jump, Seagal talks about being God. Really.

  • agentsmith

    Glorified vigilantes trained by a faded actor and reporting to an abusive sheriff… nothing could possibly go wrong here.

  • CAP
  • frickshun

    ^^Hahaha…..couldn’t be more timely w/that gif. Maybe KiKi Shephard should have done his google research before posting this.

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