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The single worst piece of MMA writing I’ve ever read

Bold statement? Yes – I have thousands of pieces of MMA journalism crossing my screen on a monthly basis (although come to think of it, I’ve probably missed something atrocious by Ivan Trembow by studiously ignoring him). But I can defend it. Now that I’ve got this semester wrapped up, I’m going to try to get back to eviscerating awful, sensationalist pieces of shit as they enter my Google Reader when other news is slow – and BOY, did I get a doozy today.

You may remember Dr. Johnny Benjamin from his article suggesting that women’s MMA should not adopt five minute rounds (followed shortly by this half assed mea culpa, in which he writes “I am not a fan of five-minute rounds for WMMA because studies have suggested that the likelihood for injury significantly increases as athletes (male or female) tire, especially with contact and combat athletes” while refraining from calling for men’s MMA to cut rounds from five-minutes to three. That’s sexism, folks – pure and simple). Where is it that a orthopedic spine surgeon goes when his prescriptions for fighter safety are gender-biased and roundly booed?

Why, to comparing a contractual agreement to prostitution and summary execution without trial, of course! (Don’t click this link – just come below the fold)

You think I’m kidding. Here’s the title of the article.

The Promotional ‘Lynching’ of Kimbo Slice

And the first lines?

Yeah I said it…lynching. And I do know what the word means.

Either you don’t know what the word means or you’re insane, but let’s press on.

Kevin Ferguson aka Kimbo Slice got used by his promotional company and now must endure the aftermath of a public lynching. Mr. Ferguson is an internet phenom that attempted to parlay his internet ‘fame’ into real dollars ala Paris Hilton. In corporate America it’s called monetizing your image. In the real world it’s called ‘pimpin’ the game’. True a prostitute makes money but at what personal cost?

The real world? Is that where not turning down money that people offer you (“obscene” amounts, as Benjamin goes on to admit) is equivalent to being a prostitute? I’m sure Clint will be happy to know that he is, as opposed to a willing employee that is compensated for his work, Target’s top ho.

Kimbo got his hustle on and signed the lucrative contract he was offered by Elite XC.

Is this the part where he’s prostituted out against his will? Has Dr. Johnny Benjamin ever MET a prostitute? Perhaps read a book about how most of them didn’t exactly fill out a job application and agree to give their pimp 90% of what they make? How the fuck is this even remotely analogous to the terminology that Benjamin seems to be so desperately stretching to link to a black mixed martial artist?

Wait. He’s a doctor. This HAS to be going somewhere.

Elite XC signed him to an obscene contract and was looking for a quick multiple on their investment. They also had the first major network, CBS, deal for MMA.

Ok, THIS is clearly the part where Kimbo got fucked. My bad. And let me briefly, in my rage regarding the sheer stupidity of this writing, refer back to the first part – what part of Kimbo Slice is being lynched right now? His clearly shot knees? His no-man’s land weight of 225 and his unwillingness to cut to light heavyweight? His millions of dollars, t-shirt lines and near-celebrity status that he’s created from a YouTube video collection? Kimbo needs defending like the Gulf needs oil.

The EliteXC experiment didn’t last long.

For many MMA purists, Seth Petruzelli in just 14 short seconds exposed Kimbo Slice. Judgment day had come. And the myth of Kimbo Slice was laid bare.

He doesn’t mention the Thompson fight, nor the fact that EXC was fucked from Jump Street and never would’ve made it where they did without Kimbo. No, no – EXC simply used Kimbo, and Kimbo received nothing in return.

Enter UFC president and front man, Dana White. Apparently he concluded that ‘those sons of bi*&%#$ made money off Kimbo so why can’t I’?

How DARE he! It’s not as if the man were running a competitive enterprise or anything.

Kimbo lost his very first fight on the UFC’s TUF/Ultimate Fighter reality show (Spike/TV) and was sent packing …end of story, right? Not really. The ratings were through the roof and as we all have learned Kimbo has more lives than Freddy Kruger. He was resurrected from the valley of lost fighters to appear on the TUF finale show and won.

He’s baaaack!

So why not make more money off him?

At UFC 113 recently held in Montreal, Quebec Canada, Kimbo lost badly running his unofficial UFC/TUF career to 1-2. Dana White made his money, proved his point and sent Mr. Slice packing.

Emphases added – in italics, why not indeed? And in bold, what the fuck were they supposed to do – cut him after a win? Wouldn’t that have been more of a pimp/lynch move? And in bold italics, should he have been given a job for life? Was it wrong, racist (as the tone, tenor and vocabulary of this article CLEARLY insinuate) and just plain mean of Dana to cut Kimbo? Or was it the appropriate reaction after such a loss, much as giving him another fight was appropriate when he beat Alexander?

I chose the explosive word lynching because exploiting a big, scary Black man has always drawn a crowd. Once upon a time, it was hate filled and racially motivated now it is purely financial.

EXPLOITING? Would anyone care to estimate Kimbo’s potential income over the past three years sans MMA? Does anyone hear Kimbo complaining about his UFC career? Has he said he was forced to sign the contract? I ask these questions because I honestly do not see how someone licensed to open people up with surgical instruments can be so powerfully stupid.

Luckily, I don’t have to ask “would Benjamin have written this piece of shit article if Kimbo Slice was white?” – he answers that one right there at the end. Saying Barry Bonds uses steroids isn’t racist, saying Rampage Jackson is a flake isn’t racist, and saying Kimbo can’t hack it in the UFC isn’t racist. It also isn’t prostitution, lynching or any other loaded term you wish to include in your headline to generate page views.

You’re not helping, Johnny. Thanks for giving me something with which to shake the rust off, though.