So, the big man is making an announcement. Whoopy freakin’ do. Here are some of my ideas on what it could be.
- The UFC will be dropping the naming convention as it currently stands. Instead each event will be named after a species of intestinal worm, e.g. UFC 102: Nematodes! and UFC 1005: Trematodes! When the names of parasitic worms have been exhausted, Dana White will “just think of the sub-titles his damn self” by going to meditate in a mountain cave, eating a thesaurus and punching himself in the face every day for a week.
- Brock Lesnar’s piss test came back from the lab with a note attached reading “HOLY CRAPTOADS THIS MAN IS A HORSE”, revealing that Brock Lesnar actually shares more DNA with a horse than with a human. Dana White will regrettably announce that Brock has to be stripped of his title belt and placed on a farm in Iowa where he can impregnate some horse poontang.
- Tito Ortiz will join the UFC again but not as a fighter. He will be in charge of checking spelling and grammar on all UFC public communications. When pressed on the issue Dana will say that “It will encourage Tito to improve himself and plus I love the way his butt moves when he’s wearing a suit. Like two plums in seran wrap, yeah baby ooh.” Dana will say this while putting his finger in his shirt and twiddling his nipples. Tito will nod and then blow one of those party blowers that goes “wheeeeeee”, then stand up to reveal that he is not wearing any pants and say “I are going to do my bestest to write good letters for the UCF.”
- Eddie Bravo will no longer work for the UFC. Dana White will say “What? We employed that creep? What the hell, he doesn’t even do anything. Holy crap, get him out of my company YESTERDAY. And scrub down all the chairs. Yeesh.”
- In an attempt to appease the Japanese market, Dana White will crash a fighter jet emblazoned with an American Flag into the Japanese parliament. He will backflip out and high five Bruce Springsteen who will then give an impromptu five-hour rockathon. When the Japanese authorities attempt to arrest the singer and promoter, Bruce and Dana will grab the mic and say in unison “It’s boss time!” at which point a breakdancing bald eagle with a jetpack on will appear on stage and throw shapes to a rap/rock remix of The Star Spangled Banner. Finally, Lorenzo Fertitta will appear from a trapdoor wearing a leotard and fire a rocket at the moon which will explode revealing the message “HELLO JAPAN! UFC IS HER!” (it was meant to say “HERE” but there was an unfortunate typo.)
- Lorenzo Fertitta will announce that “Robocop 2 is one of the most underrated action/sci fi sequels out there.”
- Dana White will eat a spoonful of cinammon without choking or anything. The press will look on in stunned and reverential silence.
- Jon Bon Jovi will be announced as the latest UFC signing, and it will be hailed as “a triumph for MMA and soft-rock fans everywhere.” Bon Jovi will appear on stage to baffled claps and say “I know it’s gonna be tough, but you know baby, I’m living on a prayer!” Everyone will boo and someone will throw a shoe at him.
- Someone will tell Fedor, for the first time, the exact terms of the offer from the UFC his management refused. Fedor will nod quietly for a moment then turn to look at his manager, smile, before eviscerating him with his toes. Fedor will then punch everyone in M1 Global so hard in the nuts that their intestines unravel and shoot out of their ears. Covered in blood, he will shake Dana’s hand and tell him he has no problem fighting horses.