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Strikeforce: Evolution live play by play

Here I am again at the HP Pavilion in San Jose. Tonight is the giant-ass “Strikeforce: Evolution” card. The return of Cung Le and the rematch between Josh Thomson (who’s ‘break a leg’ wishes from fans went a little too well) and Gilbert Melendez highlight a nice counter to Zuffa’s “whatevz” WEC, which also takes place tonight. Keep refreshing this post for all the minute by minute action. And if that gets too boring I’ll make sure to put in pictures of the borderline hookers filling up the expensive seats in front of press row.

Let’s go!

Alex Crispim vs. A.J. Fonseca
I’m at the very side of the press table again, which is sick. I’ve gotten the hookup with these seats so much that I almost wanted to high five Mike Afromowitz when he walked by right now. Crispim comes out to an uncensored cut of “Ruff Ryder’s Anthem” and a chorus of jeers. Thanks a lot, now I’ll have to pray extra hard at church to get this gratuitous use of the n-word out of my mind. Looking at his tattoos and the guys booing him, I can deduce why they don’t like him so much. Fonseca enters to “Machine Head” by Bush, which means he wins using the music theory my friends and I have. Crowed going nutz for him. Team Alpha Male guy here.

Round 1:
So these guys are having a soul hug against the cage until Crispim gets a front headlock takedown. NO movement for the last few minutes. This is sad. I knew I should’ve brought a pillow (the ride over is tiring). A bit of weak boxing by AJ isn’t making up for the crap-fest I just watched. The smell of beer is honestly overwhelming. They’re both gassed already. “Beat It” plays in between rounds. I saw no beatings.

Round 2:
Oh Jesus – deja vu. These guys must be getting paid by the clinch. Both guys need work on their level changes. Crispim has a tight guillotine he inexplicably lets go of. Leglock fail into a full mount. He somehow lost the position and they’re back up. Crispim is doing some Roy Jones Jr. taunting. Funny, that didn’t work so well for him in Australia recently. Trading leg kicks ends the round. Someone get me a 5-Hour Energy.

Round 3:
Crispim lands a hard right and then does nothing. Another and AJ is taunting him. Taunt all you want dude, you’re the one who got punched in the face. Back to the clinch. Sigh. Crispim goes for a single and slams his own head into the cage. AJ hit a switch and now he’s the one doing nothing. He hit a reversal a little too literally, apparently. Illegal knees! wow. Broken nose if I had to diagnose. AJ hits a takedown anyway. Tough dude; I cry when a basketball hits my nose, let alone a knee. Crispim hits an omoplata to kneebar to end the fight. Pretty slick and technical move that almost made me forget the other 14:56 of whackness.

Result: 30-27 across the cards for Alex Crispim. Some guys is trying to argue with drunk hecklers. He’s lucky there’s cops outside the arena.

Daisuke Nakamura vs. Justin Wilcox
Holy crap, it’s Nakamura. This guy’s fight with Ishida is tied with Condit/Kampmann for fight of the year. I’m crossing my fingers for a flying anything. He’s boxing the turnbuckle during Wilcox’s entrance. Didn’t a guy break his hand doing that before a HFC fight? Jordan Breen is gonna kill me for forgetting the name of the guy who did something that retarded. This press table has to be made of cardboard and gum because it’s swaying whenever someone breathes too deeply.

Round 1:
Nakamura looks seriously crisp with his counters and head movememnt. Too bad you guys won’t see it. Why’s that? “No ticket.” Wilcox is wingin them fists but landing almost nothing. Wow, now he is. Nakamura stumbled with a right hand but he looks OK. Wilcox’s face is busted up from Nakamura’s jabs. Nak went for a flying armbar the miscalculated. I appreciated it, though, dude. Wilcox is landing basically anything at this point. Lil Wayne plays at the end of the round, which makes me want to commit suicide right here on press row. At least he wasn’t mashed up with AC/DC like at UFC shows.

Round 2:
Nakamura looks like he’s ‘hulking up’. Wilcox’s double jab + straight right is landing with 100% accuracy, even going as far as hitting Nakamura up the eyeball. He’s gonna need to go airborne again because it’s not looking good. This is getting awful. You could put any ten seconds of this round on a loop until Wilcox gets the takedown. Nakamura fails a kimura attempt but at least that kept the round from being a 10-8.

Round 3:
Nake missed a flying something or other to start the round. I missed it. There’s hot chicks walking by me, so sue me. Back to the feets. Wilcox looks like he went bobbing for body parts with all the blood on his face. He missed another sub attempt and got clocked with a right when they stood back up. Wilcox is just punching him up. Nakamura’s face is a mess. Sluggin’ it out to end the round.

Wilcox takes it 30-27 x2 and 29-28. They’re handing out the old school Vietnamese flags again, and I can’t get one because I’m here in press row. Damn you, career aspirations!

Antwain Britt vs. Scott Lighty
Lighty gets the flames treatment and a big reaction for “Bulls on Parade”. You’d think he’s the one who won the qualifying round of TUF 8 instead of Britt. Apparently the stripper’s van just got here because there is a big influx of scantly clad hot women here. OMG ONE JUST LOOKED AT ME!

Round 1:
Britt swings hard and gets a clinch. Rosental breaks them up after five seconds. You have to be kidding me. Oh, illegal knee. I’ll let this one go but not Sonnen/Filho 1. Britt drops Lights and pounds from top but doesn’t get a finish. Lighty looks OK. Someone smells like weed. (I don’t smoke but I’ve ridden the school bus.) Britt drops him again and punches up a storm but Lighty gets guard. Lighty has a crimson mask and looks like he’s out on his feet. This is getting ugly. Dropped again. This has to be stopped. Man I want one of those flags. Big screen’s color is mis-calibrated so the blood looks fluorescent like in “Dawn of the Dead”.
I’m shocked it wasn’t stopped in between rounds. Lighty probably doesn’t remember math. Wait, it is stopped. Thank god.

Result: Britt by TKO at 5:00.

– Just went to the luncheon room to use the good bathroom and waste half a cup of free fountain drink. Robbie Lawler got about three servings in the five minutes I was in there, which was cool. Meltzer had a bottle of water I wanted instead of the off-Pepsi they had. Nice lady just let me have one of those flags.

King Mo vs. Mike Whitehead
Everyone is standing up, which is keeping me from seeing fat Whitehead. He really looks like he should have stayed at 205. The guy in front of me is “goin’ dumb” to King Mo’s music. God I hate that Hyepy garbage.

Round 1:
So Whitehead’s size is actually helping him move Mo around. But Mo is just landing at will. His level changes aren’t working at all. This ‘experience’ thing might be an issue after all. Mo is standing around whit his hands down. Joe Jordan/Jens Pulver is calling. Mo drops Whitehaed and then KOs him cold. Jesus. I wonder if he feels guilty for beating up a fat kid.

Result: King Mo by KO in round one. Well King Mo pulled a ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin with some cans of Rockstar and ruined the mat for the rest of the night. Seriously, Quadros looks like Joel McHale’s father.

Matt Lindland vs. Jacare
Some mark in the front row is doing Jacare’s ‘Gator Clap’ taunt. The pre-fight shows Jacare curling what appear to be four pound dumbbells. You know. The ones old women hold when jogging. SO TOUGH. Someone is waving the Vietnamese flag for Jacare. Big John is the ref for this one. Does Lindland’s entrance really need flames? Come on. I’m in the presence of BJ royalty right here. Lindland counters Jacare’s ‘Gator Bite’ taunt with the almost equally intimidating “Republican Power Wave”. Reagan used it well; pick up a book, kids.

Round 1:
Jacare is throwing heat and he’s just bitch-shoving Lindland off of him when he tries clinching. Dude is a sick athlete. Someone yells “Punch him in the face!” and Lindland actually does it. Matt hits a cool almost suplex and is in Jacare’s world now. Omoplata gets reversed into Lindland’s own Omo and he even almost locks in a triangle. I swear to god Jacare just hit ‘The People’s Elbow’. He locks up an arm triangle on Lindland and forces him to tap. Good stuff by both.

Result:Jacare by submission in round one. He then tells Stephen Quadros his “new hometown is Strikeforce.” Nothing funnier than broken English. The dude just walked by me, and he is absolutely shredded in a non-gay context. NOT GAY.

Josh Thompson vs. Gilbert Melendez
Melendez said in the pre-fight that Josh ran from him in the first fight. Someone get that man some of James Thompson’s DVDs. Just one of these times I want to throw a Sirloin over the flame thrower. Thomson gets a MASSIVE pop.

Round 1:
Thomson already looks like he’s seasoning Gil’s face with strikes. Josh just drops him hardcore with a right and Melendez looks hurt. wow. Just shrugging off takedowns. If wrestling skills were tangible, Josh’s give Gil’s swirlies during recess. Gil stars landing and Josh is fired up. These shots are landing clean for both guys. Can’t be good for their brains. Ring card strippers!

Round 2:
Gil drops Josh with a hook and the crows just loses hit. He looks like he’s on rubber legs. These guys aren’t leaving the pocket and Gil catches Thomson in the cup-sacial region. Gil is on onw knee for some reason – he must be tiring already. Not a good sign. Josh’s kicks are looking on point right now. I just have this feeling like theses guys are beating each other retarded. Josh dropped exactly like in the Franca fight and Gil gets on top. Thomson isn’t dead yet because he’s throwing some good rubber guard attempts up. Crowd insane at the horn.

Round 3:
First TEEP by Josh. Surprised to see it ten minutes in. Both of them look hesitant now. Maybe they’re feeling the effects of battering each other’s heads for the last two rounds. Both guys drop each other with leg kicks. That’s gonna be on the cover of “MMA Bloopers Vol. 1″ soon. Both are slowly putting offense together again but not much. Pretty uneventful round after two solid ones.

Round 4:
Josh fits the first takedown of the fight but they scramble back up immediately. KICKBOX OR DIE, I guess. Uh oh, they’re both in the pocket again. Maybe action will pick up. False alarm. Gil swept the leg like Danny LaRusso. these guys are seriously feeling the damage now even though they’re starting to bash each other again. Gilbert is sucking wind like a Hoover and Josh has Mr. Potato Head eyes. And then one just got poked. It looks pretty disgusting. Please, Strikeforce, do not show a replay. Dammit, they did anyway. Round over.

Round 5:
Internet went wonky during the best round of the fight. The story was both guys not caring if they could hold a drink without spilling it five years from now. Gil dropped Josh hardcore but couldn’t capitalized. Sick round. Blame arena internet.

Result: Melendez by unanimous decision. Guy has avenged his two losses in his last two consecutive fights. Let’s see Aoki get beaten down now. C’mon, if he wants BJ Penn he should have no problem with Gil. Finally.

Cung Le vs. Scott Smith
So the arena internet flaked out and ruined my ability to cover the rest of the night. Long story short: Cung Le was making Scott Smith his medieval puppy dog with crazy wicked kicks to the body and gross ground and poung. Le was just mopping the floor with Smith until he came in with a left hook that floored Le. Then he got on top and pounded him out for the stoppage. The crowd couldn’t even boo Smith. Unbelievable fight that has to be shown on some kinda CBS primetime special or something.

Result: Scott Smith by KO in round 3.