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The king of combat sport one-liners

I hate it when funny and talented writers get into combat sports. It makes me look bad. There’s MMA Fighting’s Ben Fowlkes, who I plan on murdering and replacing a la The Talented Mr Ripley. Other Ben from CagePotato is pretty good, especially when you compare him to the other hacks on his site. Even Zeus from MiddleEasy is amusing in a ‘So this is what writing on meth looks like’ kind of way.

And then there’s Seanbaby, who’s been making me laugh since the 90s and now terrifyingly enough has decided he’s going to write about fighting for Cracked.

The main person who should be concerned about this development is Mauro Ranallo. Fans accept his corny one-liners for the same reason they buy $60 skull shirts with foil and sapphires glued on them – they’re retarded from all the crack their mom smoked during pregnancy and they don’t know any better. But once they get a taste for good one liners, can they go back to the garbage Ranallo spews? Let’s see.

Here’s some of the best zings from Seanbaby’s latest article, The 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History.

  • “Semmy beat every inch of him like he was Keith Moon’s drum kit.”
  • “Sumo skills translate to fighting about as well as they do to trampoline safety. Chocolate rabbits have more natural defenses than Akebono.”
  • “Remy Bonjasky is what horny female geneticists would make if they were hired to build the perfect kickboxer. He’s what Hitler draws when you ask him what he’s most afraid of.”
  • “Sapp counter attacked like a frat boy trying to break his bitch ex girlfriend’s stereo.”
  • “This fight is what the Alamo uses as its Facebook picture.”
  • “Their punches hit at the exact same time and they were both knocked out cold. The timing was so impossible that Michael J. Fox drove out of the impact and asked what year it was.”
  • “Every fight with Rob Kaman comes with a free lifetime limp.”
  • “Buakaw opened a Muay Thai school on Masato. Thai survivors of Japan’s WWII invasion watch this and say, ‘Jesus, take it easy on the Japanese fella.'”

That last one is a personal favorite, as I’m always trying to spread the word that behind their agreeable eyes and polite demeanors, Japanese people are historical motherfuckers.

  • SST

    LOL! That’s some funny shit. I’ll have to check him out. I like the MJ Fox liner.

  • agentsmith

    I loved his “Ragdoll MMA Physics” article:

    Going into UFC 100, Michael “The Count” Bisping had managed to build up a full steam of douchebaggery with his pre-fight comments and dick behavior on The Ultimate Fighter reality show. The crowd was definitely not on his side.

    Luckily, if this hurt Bisping’s feelings, Henderson hit him hard enough in the second round that he got to walk through a tunnel and talk to Jesus personally about it. Dan’s right hand dropped him like a cartoon. He hit him so hard that even gravity got scared. Bisping hung in mid-air for a moment while gravity screamed at inertia, “Did you see that shit!?” Then, after a high five, the two universal forces quit screwing around and yanked Bisping’s limp body into the floor.

    Henderson wasn’t done dominating Bisping and gravity, though. After the man-shaped sack of bangers and mash landed, Dan flew into the air and came down on Bisping’s head with Fistos, the forbidden punch of legend. Henderson went fully horizontal with both feet in the air like some kind of maniac skydiver. If you were the greatest warrior that ever lived, came across a sleeping enemy and had six hours to plan one ultimate punch, this is the punch you would throw.

  • SST

    “Akebono looked so dead that local restaurant owners panicked. To this day, it’s the most violent thing ever done to butter.”

  • CAP

    That dude is plain funny no matter what he is talking about.

  • glassjawsh

    ryan’s penis envy at sean is palpable

    his “overeem was genetically engineered to fuck your girlfriend” comment is still the funniest thing i have ever read in an mma publication

  • Jemaleddin

    For those that like epic verbal takedowns, why not enjoy this discussion of Train’s “Hey Soul Sister”:

  • fightlinker

    yeah i accept my role as an inferior comedy auteur. But to be fair, he seems to have an exciting life, while i must draw all my comedic inspiration from a life spent chronically depressed in my mom’s basement

  • glassjawsh

    ^ not sure if that is supposed to be sad (it is), funny (it is) or a shot at subo (i hope it is)

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    Remy knocked this man out with a flying Photoshop filter.

    I know I’m biased, but DAMN.

  • subo

    Seanbaby literally makes me sad when he comes into MMA territory. I get all Garth Algar in front of Aerosmith.

  • Simco

    It’s really remarkable how funny his writing is. Picking out a few quotes to send to people never works out; it’s always the whole article.

  • Grappo

    Not sure what you’re trying to say in the last paragraph. Historically, we’re all motherfuckers.

  • mamoru

    This one is right up there with the life story of Fujitas skull on the list of the funniest shit I’ve ever read.

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    Yeah Grappo, but we’re famous for it.

  • Blackula Jonez

    really funny shit, the michael J fox bit was damn clever.

    sean also writes stuff for electronic gaming monthly that isn’t half bad. can’t wait for his book whatever the topic may be.

  • glassjawsh

    ^ if/when that comes out, do everyone a solid and post something about it in the forums

  • themachiavellian

    Good books about Japan’s less-than-pleasant history are “Zen at War” and “Shinto, The Unconquered Enemy”