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Tito Ortiz “Investigates” Scientology

Hey kids, are you sick and tired of having too much money in the bank? Do you think that your personal doubts aren’t caused by low self esteem and chemical imbalances, but are rather the result of the floating spirits of long deceased aliens? Are you also a fucking moron? If you are, then you should join Scientology, and watch as your bank account, your smarts, and your sanity melt away! So come join Tito Ortiz as he contemplates introducing you to a religion started by one of the worst Science Fiction writers of all time.

If you haven’t already heard, Tito confessed having “investigated” Scientology in an interview with Howard Stern, and was considering joining up. Scientology is essentially a religion for rich people looking to get quickly into the poorhouse, all the while boasting about how “clear” they are. In a way, it’s a match made in heaven. Most celebrities are soulless morons who have no idea what the fuck spirituality is, but they’re so desperate for it that they’re willing to try and purchase some. And since a lot of these fucking bloated sacks of uselessness have more money than God, creating an organization where you literally PAY to become more enlightened is perfect.

If by now you’re still a Tito fan, keep in mind that it’s starting to look as though Dana White is 100% right about this clown; he wants to be a celebrity more than he wants to be a fighter, and Scientology is THE place to be if that’s your game. It’s also (if you’re greedy and amoral enough) a great way to make lots of cash. Basically, members are encouraged to seek out other “church” members, and you get a percentage of the money they dish out for auditing. How much is an audit you ask? Scientologists use a sliding scale so as to be able to bilk the rich and poor equally, but it can go as high as 1 million dollars.

Would Tito stoop so low as to enlist his fans to join this piece of shit cult? Who knows. He seems intent on losing money by trying to create his own fight promotion company, and no doubt has even greater and more expensive ambitions. Using his fading celebrity status to open up a religious franchise business isn’t the dirtiest thing he’s ever done. I believe that honor goes to the cock gremlin with a diseased womb currently trying to breed with him.

  • clint notestine

    He already fucks an alien so Scientology makes sense.
    This is just one more thing I hate about Tito.

  • garth

    you guys are just too obstructed by body thetans. you couldn’t possibly understand.

  • Omomatta

    You’re not picking on Tito again are you? :)

  • chuck

    he really would be a perfect fit for scientology

  • Dr.Death

    Scientology: textbook pyramid scam.

  • Royal, King of Monsters

    He so wouldn’t become a motherfucking Clear.

  • #1 Jackal

    That is funny that you are talking about this, bc yesterday I watched the south park episode. “Trapped in the closet”

  • Keith

    That was tha best mma “news” story I’ve read all week.

  • Jersey Tomato

    I always thought Tito was a moron. This announcement removes all remaining doubt.

    The geniuses running the Church Scientology obviously realize how gullible douchebag celebrities can be. They even have a division specifically designed to attract and cater to these “celebrities.” Like any business, you target for the low-hanging fruit first. With Tito’s big head (i.e., inflated ego), he will make any easy mark.

  • godzillad

    I watched a few minutes of the REAL Trapped In The Closet on saturday, holy crap. That guy from Superbad at the end of Strange Wilderness was right, it is the craziest shit you’ve ever seen. Damm man, it’s ridiculous.

  • Chuck

    Are you a little angry today?….

    You’re totally right. Sick of Tito and his big head and equally big mouth.

  • Gong

    Now I want him to have a conversation with Matt Hughes.

  • dulljake

    It’s me that wrote it, not ryan. I’m always pissed. Haven’t you noticed?

  • Asa

    Jake rules.

  • Hermes Franca

    dnt u hate it when Dana keeps looking like the genius in all this mess?

  • JackalAss

    Scientology may be a complete crock, and anybody who actually buys into them is borderline vegetable.
    But they are some devious motherfuckers. They deprived a very mentally sick woman of proper care, and instead starved her to death, auditing the shit out of her (auditing=interrogation).

    But worst of all, they perpetrated the biggest infiltration and data theft/destruction of the American government in recorded history, in order to erase the criminal activities, both financial and human rights related, committed by this ‘church’. These motherfuckers should be burned at the stake. Go Anonymous.

  • marshal

    Don’t speak badly about the Tom Cruise, they will find you and ruin you!

  • thatguy80111

    It’s official, what little respect I stil had for Ortiz I had is gone.