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Translating Nonsense

Many of you out there are hardcore UFC fans and love everything the organization does no matter what. Many of you are hardcore UFC haters and hate everything the organization does. The former seem to view Fedor Emelianenko as some sub-par fighter who is dodging the company, whereas the latter seem to view Fedor as God — literally the second coming of Jesus or Buddha or Tom Cruise or whoever the fuck it is you might believe in. No matter what category you fall into, I’m here drinking a beer and also telling you to fuck off. Reality lies in the middle.

If you stand on either extreme, you’re a member of the the pool of idiots who can’t think for themselves. The fact of the matter is that the UFC is the most powerful MMA organization on the planet and rightfully so. The company houses more top quality fighters than any other and is largely responsible for building this sport. Whatever you may think of certain individuals who work for the company, those simple facts can not be disputed. At the same time, there is no doubt that Fedor Emelianenko is the top heavyweight in the sport and has been for some time. Is Fedor’s record a bit padded?  Yes. Has Fedor fought mostly sub-par competition since 2005? Yes. Will Brock Lesnar have a reasonable claim to the top spot should he defend his belt two or three more times? Yes. But the fact remains that as of right now Fedor is still the top heavyweight fighter on the planet. And that shit is crazy.

With that little preamble to let everyone know they are all douches, I shall now translate a statement from Fedor. Considering the statement has already been translated to English, I will now translate it from English to what-it-really-fucking-means-you-fat-motherfucker.

From my viewpoint, the UFC does not have the proper attitude toward fighters.

M-1 told me to say this. Where shall I purchase the chocolate swirl ice cream?

They do not consider fighters to be normal people, human beings.

Obviously people who fight in cages or rings for a living are not normal. The UFC views their employees as commodities to be used while they are good but not utilized when they are not good. Every other company on the planet also views employees like this. So do I. What about my chocolate swirl ice cream?!

My feeling is the attitude of UFC toward fighters is not the correct one.

I feel as though the UFC should co-promote with every fighter. Any fight featuring Chuck Liddell should be sold as  as “The UFC and Ambien present” and any fight featuring Brock Lesnar should be displayed as “The UFC and present” and the like. That is the correct way.

And I don’t like their policy, which appears to be a really bold one.

The policies they offer fighters doesn’t appeal to me. Every other fighter on the planet might accept it, but I am different. Many indivuals try to argue that just because all of the top fighters like Chuck, Tito, Randy, and Brock have accepted it that I should just accept it too. This is an easy argument to defeat. Did Chuck ever have legal ties to a nonseinsical group of foreigners who knew little about how the business operates in America? Did Randy? Did Tito? Did Brock?! The answer is NO! The UFC has huge balls even thinking that I am on the same level as those men in terms on marketability.

They offered one thing, and then on the Internet, the number published was something different. The offer we got from them was really miserable.

My manager told me what the UFC offered. Then, my manager told me what the internet was and I was told that the UFC made up lies that they had offered me much more. Honestly, no matter what the UFC thinks of me they at least should offer me above the minimum wage offered to school children in America. If they had offered me otherwise, I would have signed with them. Anything otherwise would have been impractical business. Boy, am I lucky to have my very smart managers who are very smart (fart noise). All in all, I am lucky to have my (scoundrel) managers here to take care of these matters for me.

**FACT OF THE MATTER: Fedor is now going to fight in Strikeforce. He belongs in the UFC. If you say otherwise,  you are worse than a noob: you are a nuthugger. So die. Fedor is awesome. No doubt about it. But as we have seen, KOing Arlovski and Sylvia isn’t that hard if you own at least one fist. The UFC has a bunch of mean heavy dudes wiling to throw punches.

For arguments sake, if Brock wins his next two fights, I put him at number one at HW no matter what Fedor does. For real. This sport is a “what have you done for me lately” situation. That’s all I have to say about that.

And also, good luck to Brett Rogers. Knock a motherfucker out, please.