10:10 The Yahoo pay stream is sweet, but goddamn is it tough sometimes to get it working in Firefox. No gladiator, no Bring the Pain. No hackish Goldberg intro convo. It’s right into Torres / Banuelos walk-ins. Hey, now that I think about it … score!
10:12 Miguel Torres comes out to a rousing accordion tune. I love Mexicans!
MIGUEL TORRES VS ANTONIO BANUELOS
Round 1: It’s mullet vs the kid’n’play … some of the p4p best worst hair i’ve ever seen. Torres has nearly a foot of extra length over Banuelos and he’s using it well, sticking his arm straight out to keep outside Antonio’s range. Round 1 is turning into a deeking match, both shucking and jiving like they’re thinking of punching but never really commiting to anything. Torres is snapping off jabs while Banuelos is going for big hits, both not really getting much done. The round ends with the crowd going booooooooooo. 10-9 Torres because when he bothered to throw, it landed.
Round 2: Banuelos is stuck on the outside again and Torres is popping him with quick shots to the face and a few kicks. Aaaaand that’s all that happened in that round. 10-9 for the new, boring Miguel Torres.
Round 3: More of the same. This is retarded. Torres isn’t attacking enough, and Banuelos is sitting outside of range throwing useless combos. It’s a stalemate of awfulness, with Torres taking rounds with his minimal offense. Banuelos jumps in at the 15 second mark and unleashes a flurry that doesn’t do badly. Why’d ya leave that till now, moron? Shitty fight. 10-9 Torres.
Official decision is 30-27 Miguel Torres.
10:35 “I had to stick to my gameplan” Torres says over and over. FYI, the gameplan was play it safe, take absolutely zero risks. Old Miguel would rather lose than win like that. Then again, Old Miguel didn’t recently go on a two fight losing skid.
10:37 Hey, more 1984 style UFC newspeak! We all remember Lyoto Machida running = elusive. Now Jon Fitch’s humping = relentless.
CARLOS EDUARDO ROCHA VS JAKE ELLENBERGER
Round 1: The two fighters instantly tangle, flip roll to the ground, reverse flip back onto their feet, before repating again. That’s minute one. After Torres Baunelos it’s fun to see people actually fighting. Ellenberger takes Rocha down but Rocha rolls him and is now on top. Rocha obviously ain’t no scrub – he’s looking dangerous and hunting a submission.
Rocha’s going north/south to side to mount to side. He’s living in north / south and smothering Ellenberger with his nuts while grabbing at Ellenberger’s legs. Rocha gives him some space and Jake scrambles back up to his feet. Rocha shoots but Jake defends and starts pounding away. Rocha grabs his arm and somehow turns it into a kimura that forces a reversal and all of a sudden Rocha’s got a straight armbar that looked pretty painful. The round ends with Rocha working the arm. 10-9 Rocha
Round 2: Ellenberger is starting to swing and knees the shit out of Rocha against the cage. Rocha shoots but is stuffed and Ellenberger pummels him in the back of the head as he’s pinned to the ground. The shots are hurting Rocha, but he manages to get up and they start sparring on the feet. Rocha’s throwing wild kicks while Ellenberger is trying to pinpoint Rocha’s chin. The pace slows down for about a minute until Ellenberger does the 30-seconds remaining shoot. Rocha turns it into what looked like it might be the start of a sub but it wasn’t enough to let the takedown edge the round. I hate how they do that but whatcha gonna do. 10-9 Ellenberger
Round 3: They continue to stand and trade cautiously, seems like they might have blown their load in the first. Same old same old till the 30-second takedown special from Ellenberger. Rocha can’t get anything going and the bell sounds to end what started as a great fight but ended kinda bleh. 10-9 Ellenberger
OFFICIAL DECISION: 30-27 Rocha (W?T?F?), 29-28 Ellenberger, 29-28 Ellenberger. JAKE ELLENBERGER VIA SPLIT DECISION
11:05 Ooooo, Dana White said ‘title shot’ in relation to Jon Jones.
11:15 Bader’s got Hulk Hogan pythons going on.
RYAN BADER VS JON JONES
Round 1: Jones takes Bader down and starts dropping his chin into Bader’s gut. Oooh, it was a decoy, he got a head and arm triangle from north south! Jones is squeezing but he doesn’t have the torque to tap him … Bader escapes. Or Jones let go. Regardless, Bader’s out and manages to work his way back onto his feet. Bader shoots but ends up on the bottom again. Bader is spending his entire time on the ground getting worked by Jones’ GnP. At one point, Jones does a leapfrog over a bent over Bader to try and grab his back. Very nice! 10-9 Jones
Round 2: They’re standing and Jones is trying to get some of his wacky striking going. Most is missing, and Bader is trying to respond with huge shots. The only one that’s landed didn’t seem to affect Jones, but Jones isn’t accomplishing much either. Wow, Bader just pulled guard for some reason. He’s under Bones in half guard and Jon is using his freaky length to lock up a choke. Wow, that’s some Cody McKenzie shit right there. Bader taps! Wow! I’ll say it again: Wow!
JON JONES WINS VIA SUBMISSION (4:27 Round 2)
11:27 Wow, Joe Rogan drops a bomb: Rashad Evans blew out his knee and the UFC is offering Jones the shot. Bones seems legit surprised, that’s a pretty huge thing to spring on a fighter. But he said yes, and it’s fucking ON! Shogun vs Bones on March 19th!
RICH FRANKLIN VS FORREST GRIFFIN
Round 1: Griffin looks like a giant out there compared to Franklin. He throws a few kicks before taking Franklin down. Griffin’s trying to get some GnP going but Rich is doing a good job of defending it. Forrest is starting to get some distance and he’s telegraphing big elbows that Rich is avoiding – he’s starting to look pretty dangerous down here. A few good straights get through, some close elbows and some neck grinding. Forrest clearly wins 10-9 but Rich avoids any serious damage.
Round 2: They start swinging and Rich is connecting with big rights. Forrest has leg and body kicks going for him. They clash and Forrest drags Rich to the ground and takes his back. Rich stands but Forrest’s got him around the waist and drags him back down. Second time is the charm as Rich gets back up breaks Forrest’s grip and escapes. Rich keeps trying to test Forrest’s chin while Forrest works the kicks – he throws a big punch that wobbles Franklin but Rich recovers and stops the offense. Now this is starting to turn into a slug fest. And Griffin is getting the best of it! 10-9 Forrest.
Round 3: The two take the center and start trading blows. They’re going exchange for exchange but Franklin doesn’t seem to be accomplishing much while Forrest is kinda pushing Rich around with his size. Forrest shoots on Rich, Rich fumbles a choke, and they’re scrambling for top control before ending up on their feet. They go back to swinging with no noticable results. The fight ends and Forrest takes it again 10-9
JUDGES DECISION: 29-28 Forrest Griffin
12:00 Hot brazilian chick alert!
12:03 Channing Tatum aka C-TATES shows up saying “I hope you’re enjoying the fights, I know I am” in an OBVIOUSLY pre-recorded segment for his new movie.
12:05 Now they’re doing a wierd main event breakdown where they’re showing stats next to a goofy loop of Anderson Silva and Vitor Belfort shadowboxing.
12:13 Yes, STEVEN SEAGAL is in Vitor’s corner. Haha, dumbass is wearing a do-rag and orange tinted sunglasses.
ANDERSON SILVA VS VITOR BELFORT
Round 1: One minute in, all circling. 3:30 and belfort throws a leg kick. Goldy says “When Anderson starts dancing, thats when he’s about to go” in hopeful fashion. Three mins left, still no serious offense at all. Anderson’s starting to do some waka waka hand motions. Vitor thinks he sees Anderson’s attention fade and he launches a huge head hunting hook. Anderson responds with a kick and Vitor jumps under it, taking him down. They scramble back to their feet and all of a sudden Andy throws a front kick right to the jaw that drops Vitor onto his ass. The ref steps back to see if he can recover but as Anderson starts throwing he stops the fight. Anderson Silva via KO R1
12:30 Vitor: “He kick my butt in the gym many time, I promise I’d come in and bring the fire” … sounds kinda like he might have been defeated before he even stepped into the cage.