Hey folks, it’s 10PM and that means time for fights. Let’s get right into this shit!
10:06 Sorry for the late start, I ran out to buy a drink and got stuck behind the slowest fuckhead in the world who was returning cans, buying scratch tickets, and splitting purchases across multiple credit cards. So no gladiator entrace for me. Can I still bring the pain bring the pain rraaar raar raar? We’ll have to see. We’re starting off right away with DONG! vs Matt Brown. I don’t think anyone expects Matt to win (unless he gets angry – MATT, HE STOLE YOUR DIP AND PUT TERIYAKI SAUCE IN THERE!)
10:10 Looks like Dana veto’d Dong’s choice of DJ SAMMY for entrance music. What a wad thing to do. They let Matt Brown come into megahick music, but fuck techno, eh?
10:15 I still get a kick out of Matt’s nickname: IMMORTAL. I know most nicknames are far fetched, but come on now. Hey, where’s horseface???
DONG HYUN KIM VS MATT BROWN
Dong with knees, follows with takedowns and Matt Brown gives up his back. He’s up against the cage and Dong gives up his piggyback but not the back. Now he’s back on piggyback and has a crazy half-sideways rear naked choke. Matt Brown manages to pry and arm off but Kim is still on his back and Joe Rogan is buggin’ over it. Kim’s got one of Brown’s arms and has a tentative kimura. Brown finally dumps Dong over his head onto the ground and they seperate with 2:30 left.
Brown’s active with kicks and Dong answers with an overhand right than lands solid. The southern fucks are chanting USA USA.
Brown is pushing Dong against the cage and working on a takedown but Dong is resisting. Dong goes for a toss but Brown stays on top. They both end up on the ground with Brown working a choke but Dong snakes out and is back on Brown’s back. Dong’s got a kimura but it’s loose and no real danger. The round ends with him still on Brown’s back
My scorecard: 10-9 DONG
Dong’s not looking too fresh starting this round. Brown comes out with kicks and punches, Dong just moves back and out of range. Dong reacts with a jumping knee that lands awkwardly. Dong falls back onto his butt but Brown refuses to engage so Dong is back up. Now Matt is hitting Dong with knees and kicks. Dong starting to look a bit beatable. They scramble against the cage and Matt stuffs a takedown and almost gets Dong’s back. Matt now throwing strikes as Dong struggles to his feet. 3 minutes left.
Matt takes dong down and Dong stays on his back with a high guard. Matt Brown tries a spinning backfist on Dong, but forgot that Dong is lying on the ground so it kinda fails. Now he’s just throwing punches down until he steps back and lets dong back up.
Once they’re standing Matt takes the thai clinch and throws knees into Dong’s sides. Dong looks tired. Dong tries a big left hook and misses, Matt responds with a combo of body shots that land. Dong shoots and basically drops on his ass. Matt follows him down and works on a choke but can’t get it so just wails on Dong’s side until the horn sounds
My Scorecard: 10-8 Brown
Matt comes out full of pep. Dong looking tired. Hah, Matt Brown is an idiot, he forgot to put his mouthguard in. They stop the fight so he can put it in. Can you lose a point for stupidity? Dong takes Matt down with a good shoot followed by a trip. Now Dong is on top in side control, goes for mount but Brown escapes and they’re standing again with 3 minutes left.
Brown is pressing Dong against the cage. Dong tries to throw Brown but it doesn’t work. Brown now has a good hold of Dong’s leg with one hand and is throwing body shots with the other. Dong pulls his leg free and throws a monster of an elbow which bounces off Brown’s face. Matt is unphased. Now Dong has Matt against the cage and then spins him to the ground. Dong is in full guard and Matt is holding him tight with 1:30 to go.
Brown still holding on tight to Dong so he can’t really attack. Dong dropping some elbows now and Brown is cut and bleeding pretty bad. This could be the difference between who wins the round. Dong still on top, dropping elbows as the round ends.
My scorecard: Dong 10-9
29-28 Dong, 29-28 Brown, 29-28 Dong
WINNER: DONG HYUN KIM (SPLIT DECISION)
10:36 Atlanta showing it’s class by booing Dong. Wow, they gave Dong the WORST interpreter in the world. The dude speaks worse english than Dong. Joe Rogan tells Brown that he felt Brown won. Guess you can do that when the winner doesn’t speak English.
10:37 They cut to Yoshida trying to make the best of things by shaking his fist at the camera with a resolute look on his face. I thought he was supposed to be there with his mom. Unless his mom is a fat mexican or some white couger, I don’t see her.
10:38 The UFC shows the illegal Marquardt piledriver. Stay classy, guys! Rogan calls Marquardt ‘well rounded’. Translation: good at everything, great at nothing. This is a battle of the pasty white dudes. Winner takes on Joachim ‘Hellboy’ Hansen for whitest fighter in the universe.
MARTIN KAMPMANN VS NATE MARQUARDT
Nate stepping in with crisp punching, he gets in hits and pulls out leaving Martin swinging at air. Now Kampmann gets some short hard punches in. Shit, Marquardt just head kicked Kampmann onto the ground. Kampmann recovers to eat knees and strikes, again and again. He recovers only to get more damage. Now Kampmann has covered up and Nate is just pot shotting him till Kampmann drops to the ground and the ref steps in.
WINNER: NATE MARQUARDT (TKO)
10:51 They cut to Urijah Faber and Miguel Torres. Aw, what happened to the scrappy ugly Torres I used to know? Now he’s all properly coiffed and doing the serious kissy face look to the camera, trying to be all that and a bag of chips. I miss trashy Torres.
10:52 Palhares looks like a 50 year old homeless Brazilian. It’s the neckbeard, i think. Or the fact that his skin looks like sandpaper? They’ve got Palhares coming in to LL Cool J’s new single. How do I know this? Because Mike Goldberg tells us. The entrance music is now being sold. Hopefully Palhares gets a cut.
10:55 They say Dan Henderson has never been knocked out. Because Anderson Silva chose to choke a bitch. Looks like the crowd is gonna boo everyone who’s not from America. Again … CLASSY! SO FUCKING CLASSY! Like an 11 year old in high heels classy.
ROUSIMAR PALHARES VS DAN HENDERSON
Palhares shoots, Hendo stuffs and smashes Palhares in the face. Hendo moves in for the kill but Palhares regroups and goes for the leg lock. Hendo escapes and now they circle in the middle of the cage. Hendo is slowly backing up, keeping a distance and prepping for the shoot. Palhares kicks and then tries to follow up with a takedown, but Hendo stuffs it. Again, Palhares shoots halfways across the ring, Hendo goes horizontal stuffing it and they seperate with 3 mins left.
You could say Hendo’s being hesitant but he’s basically staying back and waiting for the shoots. The crowd is starting to get restless. Palhares lands a punch but Hendo lands better ones. Palhares falls backwards to try and drag Hendo in but Hendo steps back and they’re back on their feet. Now Palhares chases Hendo across the cage throwing kicks. Hendo has hit Palhares with some pretty hard shots but Palhares has taken it. 1 minute left.
Palhares runs in and takes Dan down. He spends a few seconds in a wacky position on top before rolling into half guard with the round dying down. The horn sounds as Palhares works a kneebar … almost had it sunk in but not enough time.
My Scorecard: Hendo 10-9 (put the wrong guy in there at first – Hendo won that)
Fuck Palhares is huge up top – he’s built like a fireplug. Palhares runs in wild going for takedowns … he finally gets Hendo in his hands and holy shit slams the fuck out of him. He’s now on top in full guard. Hendo is keeping a tight closed guard. Now Hendo opens up and Palhares grabs his leg and goes for a kneebar then heel hook. Dan thinks about it for a few seconds and then manages to pull himself out and they seperate. Palhares lies on the ground a few extra seconds, a bit frustrated.
Dan is throwing solid strikes but Palhares keeps coming in. Palhares runs in and drops backwards, pulling Dan into his guard. 2 minutes left. Palhares is keeping a wide open guard, his legs are just kinda flopping around. Hendo is covering Palhares’ mouth with his hand. Herb Dean stands em up.
30 seconds left and they’re just kinda standing in the middle of the ring. Hendo steps in with a good overhand right that lands. Palhares answers with some kicks that don’t land as the horn sounds.
My scorecard: 10-9 Palhares
Goldberg hypes up the Tapout retards. They’re quiet until the camera turns on them and then they start screaming like morons. Yeah, that’s authentic.
Palhares jumps in and takes a punch to the face, but spins back and lands a strange kick. Hendo just slipped and faceplanted himself, quite amusing. Hendo now working the jab, mushing Palhares in the face. Palhares is starting to flop on the ground like a tired BJJ guy. Hendo is stepping in and landing good strikes. Now Palhares is swinging wildly … not landing though.
Okay, it’s official: Atlanta needs to be burnt to the ground. These fuckers need to shut the fuck up with the booing. 2 minutes left. Okay, nothing much happens for a while … we’re down to 1 minute and Palhares jumps in and goes for a kneebar but Hendo pulls out and escapes. Again Palhares is slow to get up. Hendo throws wild and Palhares drops down and goes for that leg again. Again nothing. They do it again one more time, with Palhares flopping backwards in comical fashion and eats a massive punch for his stupidity as the horn sounds.
My scorecard: 10-9 Hendo
Here we go: 30-27, 30-27, 29-28 Dan Henderson
WINNER: DAN HENDERSON (DECISION)
11:20 Dan is gasping like he’s gonna die and leaning on Joe Rogan for support. He’s got some sort of weird sac drink that he’s doing a terrible job of showing off. He holds it up for the camera, but it’s completely hidden by his glove.
Oh here we are with Randy Couture! Man, Joe Rogan is red like a lobster … he looks like he’s getting ready to have a stroke. And now we have another commercial, this time for Men’s Fitness. The UFC is doing a pretty good job of selling as much shit during these PPVs as possible. I wonder how long till they actually start scheduling commercial breaks?
Yay, they’re showing us the redneck judo dude!
TIM BOETSCH VS MICHAEL PATT
Tim comes in again to the Conan theme. I’d forgotten why I liked him so much!
The two are exchanging blows and tying up on the feet. Boetsch is landing more, but no real damage has been done yet with 3 minutes left. Shit, Boetsch just floored Patt with a big right and then follows up with a barrage on top. Dean steps in and stops it.
WINNER: TIM BOETSCH (TKO)
11:36 Goddamn I can’t help but think Hamill is mentally retarded because of his voice. I know he’s not. I just can’t stop myself. Maybe I was just used to it when he was on TUF, but the impediment seems even worse than he was before now. Now this is the only guy who I’m okay with the UFC picking his walking in song.
11:41 Franklin comes in to AC/DC, always a solid choice for entrance music. He’s looking kinda pissed, which is a big upgrade from looking miserable like he did at 185. Goldberg said he’s been happy not having to cut. This should be interesting seeing how this translates in the cage.
RICH FRANKLIN VS MATT HAMILL
I didn’t know Matt Hamill was 31, for some reason I thought he was way younger. Hey, they said the fight was brought to you by Xyience. Zombie Xyience lives! Hmm, Franklin looks a bit soft, like he’s got a light layer of fatty fat over him. They cut to Tapout retards, who say “WASSUP? THAT’S WASSUP!” Fucking morons.
Franklin is moving forward and landing inside leg kicks. Hamill is backing up and seems tentative. Hamill tries the superman punch but comes up short. They’re still feeling eachother out with 3 minutes left. Hamill stumbles forward with arms outstretched and eats a punch for it. Franklin is starting to step in and land combos. No damage but he’s winning on points.
Rich is cut under his eye. He keeps throwing lower kicks which are landing, and occasional strikes to boot. Hamill hasn’t shot in yet, I dunno what’s up with that. Very little action in this first round. The crowd’s getting restless and Hamill shoots and takes Franklin down. Hamill’s throwing strikes and Rich catches his arm and goes for an armbar. Hamill escapes and they scramble … Rich gets back up and lands some good strikes as he goes, cutting Hamill.
My scorecard: Rich Franklin 10-9
Shit, Franklin has a brutal cut right under his eyebrow tothe side of his eye. They’re trying to pack it full of goop but it’s pretty fucking gross and close to his eye. If he’s not careful that could get bad fast.
Franklin kicks Hamill and Hamill catches the leg. Franklin pulls it right back and continues to throw strikes that are landing. Now he’s starting to chain that shit together, punching and kicking. And now Yamasaki just stopped the fight to look Rich’s eye. A big chunk apparently fell out. But they’re letting them keep fighting.
Hamill shoots in and Franklin punishes him for it. They tie up and Rich’s combinations are working. Fuck, Hamill put his head down and Rich kicked him flush in the face with his shin. Oops, a Franklin kick bonks Matt in the junk. The replay shows it as a direct shot. We continue, and Yamasaki warns Rich that if it happens again it’s a point deduction.
Hamill chases Franklin and Franklin pulls back throwing punches. Now Matt ties up with Franklin along the cage and they scramble before pulling apart with 2 minutes left. Now I see a pattern from Franklin: kick punch punch, kick punch punch. Now when Rich moves forward, Hamill jumps back. 1 minute left.
Hamill grabs at Rich’s foot and refuses to let go. Franklin twists and punches Hamill in the face for his troubles. Ooh, Matt just shot in and ate a knee to the head. But he keeps coming forward. This dude just doesn’t seem to feel pain. The horn sounds and Matt Hamill is not looking happy with himself.
My scorecard: 10-9 Franklin
Franklin looks good, he actually smiles a bit before they come out. Again he starts up with leg kicks, then mixes up and chases him with strikes. Oh wow, now we’ve got a body kick that crumbles Hamill to the ground. Rich follows him in and Yamasaki stops the fight right there.
WINNER: RICH FRANKLIN (TKO)
12:02 Rich Franklin didn’t sound too enthused about the idea of staying up at 205 but I thought he looked great. Rich thanks God that no one was seriously hurt. I think that’s classier than thanking God for helping you win.
12:06 Ooh, they’re pulling out the stats: 85% of takedowns stuffed, and 13.5 seconds on the ground before getting back up. And now the stats are getting stupid … 20% of the time Rashad slams his opponent? That’s 1 slam in 5 fights? Soooooo 1 time he did that? Gayness.
They go to the ‘Who will win’ thing with 72% saying chuck will win. This is the first time I’ve seen one that lopsided.
12:10 Nice, Chuck’s saying he’s not gonna let Rashad eek out a win. Rashad comes into the arena wearing a shirt with Bill Gates’ mugshot on it. Kinda odd, but they had that mugshot in a recent Microsoft commercial. Is this some stupid viral shit? Rashad is looking comfy, he does some weird monkey lope into the ring and then some wacky dancing.
12:15 Chuck Liddell is looking like someone raped his mom. Rashad is now dancing to Chuck’s music. Dude’s a dancing machine.
CHUCK LIDDELL VS RASHAD EVANS
Rashad’s got Keith Jardine hanging out with him. Wonder if Keith is eyeballing Chuck and neener neenering him. Okay, Rashad is now officially showboating.
Rashad takes the middle of the cage and Chuck circles around him. Now Chuck pushes him off the middle and is now working him towards the cage. Chuck fires off some punches and Rashad jumps back. They’re still circling eachother, with Chuck swinging and Rashad dodging. Chuck steps in and lands a good overhand right. 3 minutes left.
Rashad bounces a kick off Chuck’s side. He continues to throw his arm out, faking punches. Chuck’s just got his right hand cocked like a shotgun ready to go off. 2 mins left.
Rashad is stretching out and throwing jabs. Some land, but it’s not doing anything. Chuck has stepped in and thrown big rights but none have connected. Looks like Rashad has decided to emulate Keith Jardine on this one, minus the leg kicks. This might become a very boring decision win for Chuck if that’s the case. 1 min left.
There’s a kick from Rashad. And another, but Chuck gets a jab in at the same time. Now Chuck has Rashad trapped against the cage but Rashad then circles out. Now Chuck is starting to stalk Rashad and as the horn sounds Chuck throws a big kick that barely misses Evans.
My scorecard: 10-9 Liddell
Rashad’s corner is telling him to keep moving because it’s pissing Chuck off. Yep, it’s the Jardine strategy. Rashad keeps his distance, pawing at the air. Now they’re starting to exchange, Rahsad holds his own and then slides away. Now Rashad jumps in with a combo that lands. Now Chuck steps in and eats some strikes from Rashad. Chuck continues to move forward and holy shit, Rashad just knocked Chuck Liddell out cold with a stiff hook.
WINNER: RASHAD EVANS (KO)
12:30 Rashad Evans’ wife is freaking the fuck out, screaming like a maniac.They cut to Forrest Griffin, who looks like a guy who just got fucked out of a huge PPV payday. Okay, Rashad Evans’ wife needs to shut the fuck up. She’s insane.
12:35 They cut to some hardcore cougars with bazooka tits dancing to some jiggy shit. Everyone is still sticking around, I think they’re in shock.
JASON MACDONALD VS JASON LAMBERT
They’re showing us round 3 of MacDonald / Lambert? That’s kinda odd. Okay wait, it was just a fuckup on the graphics, this is round 1. The round starts with MacDonald taking Lambert down but getting stuck in a choke. Lambert is holding on and squeezing hard but MacDonald pops out and is now on top in full guard.
Lambert is doing a good job of holding MacDonald close. Rogan is messing up calling the guys by their first name over and over. MacDonald is finally in a rythm throwing some good short punches and elbows to the face. Now he’s shifting and working the body. THis leads to Lambert catching MacDonald again in a guillotine, and it’s fucking tight. 10 seconds left and Lambert is pulling MacDonald’s head off. I thought MacDonald was about to tap but he was just throwing odd punches up at Lambert. THe horn sounds, MacDonald survives.
My scorecard: Lambert 10-9
They come out swinging and bang for a bit before MacDonald takes Lambert down and is on top in half guard. MacDonald passes and is now in full mount. Lambert rolls over and MacDonald slaps on the body triangle on Lambert’s back. MacDonald gets the rear naked choke and Lambert bangs on the cage to tap out.
WINNER: JASON MACDONALD (SUBMISSION)
12:45 Sub of the night goes to Jason MacDonald. They reshow Franklin’s bodyshot to Hamill and you can see the sweat flick off from the force … brutal.
And that’s it for the play by play. Thanks for reading!