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UFC Occupies 9.375% of Fans’ Time over Next 8 Days, Almost Half a Fucking Full-Time Job

UFC Occupies 9.375% of Fans’ Time over Next 8 Days, Almost Half a Fucking Full-Time Job

Over the next 8 days, there will be three UFC events. The first is today’s UFC Fight Night: Condit vs. Kampmann 2, for which the weigh-ins have already occurred. Then, this Saturday (August 31), we’ll be treated to the long-awaited Henderson vs. Pettis rematch at UFC 164. Finally, the following Wednesday, we see Glover Teixeira take on Ryan Bader, the latter of who will lose because he resists mastering anything due to the jokes that would ensue. There are only 192 hours in those 8 days, and counting 1 hour of Facebook prelims, 2 hours of Fox Sports 1 prelims, and 3 hours of main card per event, each one would take 6 hours to watch from start to finish.

That means that over those 8 days, watching all UFC events would take up 9.375% of your time. If you sleep 8 hours daily, that’s 14% of your waking hours. Many of you seethe with gratitude at all the fights you get to watch, but I wonder how you people have so much time on your hands. Look: a 40-hour workweek only takes up 23.8% of your time, and we all know that most of you can’t hold it together enough to manage even that. Does the UFC really expect you to add another 9.4% to that figure and not fuck it up somehow? I expect to see hundreds of UFC fans in the coming days with—if not Trainspotting babies—rancid armpits and underwear full of stains from not having been changed.

Unfortunately, with the specter of weekly cards looming, if an Ultimate Fighter finale is added to the mix, we may be treated to future 8-day periods in which not three but FOUR cards take place. That would bring the total to a full 3 hours per day. Just 9.2 years of UFC watching at that rate would total the 10,000 hours you’d need to become a full-on martial arts master in your own right. Thanks, UFC, for turning your fans into no-talent losers with your numerous and lengthy fight cards.

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