(Not urine! Okay, maybe there’s a little urine in there.)
It’s been a spell since we’ve seen Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida . He hasn’t fought since losing very badly to Jon Jones in December of last year. But if you’re a fan of karate and piss-chugging, then worry not! Machida is set to return August 4th to face Ryan “Darth” Bader. And you don’t even have to fork over $50. This jammy is free on FOX.
Machida needs a strong showing here. He stormed the UFC in 2007 with a traditional, eastern martial arts style that you just don’t see much of in MMA. It was pretty freakin’ awesome to those of us who grew up in the 80’s watching “Kung Fu Theatre” on Sunday afternoons. We were convinced that ninjas were real and lived amongst us, and that they could in fact jump up onto a ten story building from a stationary position, and slay 200 men with nothing more than a few darts and a pair of nunchucks. We watched in amazement as a water colored ninja surfed down a river on his big toe with six other ninjas stacked up on each of his arms, so excited that we would smash ourselves in the head with our own nunchucks. The cool kids had the non-padded ones.
Then we found MMA, and our dreams were smashed into a billion pieces when we learned that wrestling and this weird jiu jitsu stuff rendered Karate and Kung Fu pretty much useless. But then “The Dragon” came along, and all was right in the world again.
Well, after a stellar 8-0 Octagon streak that saw Machida capture the light-heavyweight crown by brutalizing Rashad Evans, all of a sudden that invincible mystique disappeared, and Machida started losing fights. It was dismaying to say the least. It’s all good though, because August 4th begins the Year of the Urine Shot. That’s right, Machida is upping his daily intake of refreshing, electrolyte-rich piss to summon the powers of the Super Ninjas, and he will retake the Octagon and will recreate mankind in his image.