War Machine is back in jail

An unexpected thing happened during Jon Koppenhaver aka War Machine’s stint in prison for assault: I kinda sorta started to like him. His blogs from jail were full of all sorts of deep bro musings (“Why are the laws so gay?”) and anecdotes (“I just waxed my asshole/crack with my thumb and index finger! LMAO! It took like 25 minutes and hurt like a mofo!”), and once he gained his freedom again it seemed like he was ready to turn a new leaf and stop punching people in the face for looking at him funny.

Unfortunately for War Machine, while he may be done with his past, his past is not done with him. A separate assault case from a few years ago that was set to be plead down to a misdemeanor resurfaced and has resulted in War Machine’s return to jail. Here’s what I guess will be the first of several more ‘jail time blogs':

For those of you who don’t know: over 3 years ago while working at a club in Vegas, I was involved in an altercation with a co-worker. This guy was 6’3″ and over 300 lbs. and he did not like me. Long story short, after a couple months of tension it came to a head, and we got in a big argument. Unfortunately, words could not solve this problem and he came at me [ed - wow, real people actually use this expression]. Luckily for me, I was quicker, and with my training as an MMA fighter, I was able to protect myself against my much larger opponent.

The “fight” wasn’t sh*t, one punch landed, and after a brief wrestling match, I landed on top. The problem was that the one punch caused a cut that needed stitches and during our fall his knee was injured. That being said, it shouldn’t be a problem at all, but in America, the winner of a fight goes to jail. I guess it’s like survival of the weakest nowadays, at least in this country. So for the last 3+ years, my lawyer and the D.A. have been in negotiations. D.A. didn’t want to risk trial ’cause his case was pathetic & weak, but didn’t want to dismiss charges ’cause the big guy had medical bills and I didn’t want to plea out to something because it was self-defense.

So this sh*t went on and on and then I do a year in San Diego on a different fight. I do my time and just want to get on with my life and put all drama behind me, so I tell my lawyer, “f*ck it I’ll sign their B.S. deal as long as there’s no time involved, just med. bills and probation.” Bam, I sign it and enter plea of guilty. A month later, I go before the sentencing Judge Valerie Adair, and I’m accused of taking steroids and on and on, 1 year in jail! WTF!? Yeah, my attorney conveniently forgot to mention that if the judge doesn’t like my physique, profession, and is on the RAG, she can totally disregard the plea agreement and do whatever she wants.

Yup, good ole’ U-S of A. Land of the free (wait, I’m in jail), home of the brave (umm… defending yourself & winning a fight against a dude twice your size, isn’t that brave?)… F*ck it! I WILL GET BACK UP.

You can read a transcript of the hearing over at Bloody Elbow, and I’m shocked to find I agree with a statement that’s coming out of War Machine’s mouth: the judge seemed so rag-tastic I bet she was foaming blood bubbles out her mouth during the hearing. Now rather than Mr Machine being able to pay restitution to his victim with the earnings he was set to make fighting for Bellator, he’ll now be costing the taxpayer roughly $47,000 dollars for his one year stay in the clink. THE SYSTAM WERKS!!11

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    That being said, it shouldn’t be a problem at all, but in America, the winner of a fight goes to jail. I guess it’s like survival of the weakest nowadays, at least in this country.

    I can’t imagine why she didn’t take his plea seriously.

  • iamphoenix

    he prefers jail for the free internet access.

  • Reverend Clint

    Maybe war machine will come out of prison and get into gay porn

  • kwagnuth

    By then he might be all used up and damaged goods. 

  • agentsmith

    Somehow I expected a judge to not use the phrase “you know” every 5 seconds.  Was she, like, 13 years old or something, you know?  OMG WTF like really?

  • Komodo

    Somehow I expected a judge to not use the phrase “you know” every 5 seconds.  Was she, like, 13 years old or something, you know?  OMG WTF like really?

    The court is adjourned & stuff.

  • agentsmith

    Totally!

  • Omomatta

    You hear that Frick!!! The winner goes to Jail, not the Blue Oyster for martinis!

  • frickshun

    ^^Remind me to stop knocking drunk guys out…….

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