Week of fight announcements culminates in gigantic UFC orgy

This week’s massive load of fight announcements can only be described as the Peter North cumshot of the MMA industry. Zuffa’s announcement of a fight between Arista Ubreem and Cock Chestnar on December 30 was only the top news item in the MMA sphere for about 45 minutes before a Ben Henderson vs. Clay Guida’s matchup on the UFC FOX card showed us that the UFC is giving an “extra-special massage” to Fox just in case the only live fight, Junior Dos Santos vs. Cain Velasquez, ends early. Then there was the announcement of Matt Hughes vs. Josh Koscheck, which officially ended the “Hughes is ducking AKA” talk and should make those of us who don’t like Hughes happy with a nice, violent cranial explosion.

On top of that, there was Nick Diaz vs BJ Penn as a salve for those who aren’t all that impressed with GSP vs Carlos Condit. Then there’s the completely unnessesary Leonard Garcia / Nam Phan rematch no one was really asking for. I can’t complain about Big Nog vs Frank Mir 2, though. Now that Nog has been literally rebuilt, it should be interesting to see how that goes. Rory MacDonald will be facing crafty (but not crafty enough) veteran Brian ‘Hairrow’ Ebersole in Toronto, and Kid Yamamoto has already been booked back onto a card against Daren Uyenoyama.

The UFC decided to celebrate this momentous time of conspicuous MMA chop-licking by having a massive Roman-style orgy at its Las Vegas headquarters. Attendees included UFC President Dana White, Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta, approximately half the UFC roster, and several sheep. Salacious carousal took place until the police received the last of several noise complaints at about 5:00AM. “It was really the only fitting way to end the day,” said White, who served as the event’s photographer while flashing his inimitable grin. Nick Diaz was present but has not been seen since. Attendee Roy Nelson seemed particularly satisfied, remarking, “I knew I would eventually get laid,” before running off to calm down Melvin Guillard, who was feeling a bit overstimulated.

“This was a great opportunity to explore who I really am,” said Nick Ring. “Matt and Mark Hughes were a lot of fun, but a part of me thinks that they’re only hot because you get two of them.” Remarked BJ Penn, “I finally got to justify my nickname. And it was great seeing Chuck Liddell with the sheep, even though it was a little messed up because when it was over, he was pretty much a vegetable. Chuck, that is.” Unfortunately, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira called it a “party foul” when Vitor Belfort yelled, “Marvin, you look like you have a lot on your hands- can I make another cut?” Plans for a TV deal for UFC: Orgy 2 are said to be in the works.

  • frickshun

    Swing & a miss.

  • jackalmiller

    ^2nd.  good job, dick. whoever the hell you are

  • iamphoenix

    not funny at all. i think richard forgot to add the punchlines after all the unnecessary linkage.

    i like richard less and less every time he posts…

    fire him hyan fightlinker DOOOOOO EEEEET.

  • Redping

    This article would be ok without the last 2 paragraphs

  • glassjawsh

    ^ or the first 2

  • Letibleu

    Its a simple fail for me this time. I didnt see it was dick and almost messaged Ryan to ask WTF he was doing. Then I read this comment section.

  • Reverend Clint

    didnt even read it… hate link heavy posts

  • Shibo

    Wow, that was terrible.

  • G Funk

    God I love the hate in herrr.. Hate HAte HAte HAte

  • dick

    *cries* I’m just like Barnett… I just want attention.

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    Did anybody like the fantasy posts the last time around?  They’re still not that funny, man.  Your other work is improving a lot tho.

  • Reverend Clint

    remember dick: we dont hate you just your writing. We dont know you well enough to hate you as well. that comes with time, see Notorious CRS.

  • G Funk

    No Clint, Penis has shown his prude side in the comments previously. Maybe twas beginners fuckyou fever…

  • DJ ThunderElbows

    I’m thinking we already saw his writing a while back.  Btu I can’t remember the name and don’t want to check.  Whether he’s just trying the same shtick as a former writer or was here before is just a bonus mini-game for me.

    His non-fiction writing is kinda decent, but relies too much on other sources instead of creating his own context.  Agent Weaving is pretty damn good at it though.

  • frickshun

    Dick seems to be regressing in lulz.

  • glassjawsh

    ^ how do you regress past 0?

    edit: I should ask subo

  • P W

    An orgy? Hrm, that’s about enough material a quick joke at the end of a sentence, not nearly enough for a whole goddamn article!

  • CAP

    Dick: you’re doing it wrong. You tried a little too hard on this one…

  • G Funk

    What Slackey said.

    This sums it up quite nicely http://fightlinker.com/dickss-next-story#new

  • http://www.facebook.com/ Johnavon

    Never seen a bteter post! ICOCBW

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