So we had a contest, and just like the title of the classic De La Soul album, the stakes is high – a snappy and creative movie pitch for a free copy of AMBUSHED, featuring Dolph Lundgren, Vinnie Jones and Randy “Fuck You, I’ve Gone Hollywood” Couture. Who among the commenters crafted the best, most hilarious entry? They were pretty much all great, but here are the ones that stuck out the most to me:
- PleaseRewind’s untitled feature that’s “A remake of Akira Kurosawa’s Ran featuring Miesha Tate and Ronda Rousey. The (adopted) sisters fighting for the future of Japan after their father (Dana White?) abdicated the throne.”
Why this one was awesome: Because Akira Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress still gives me a stiffy, and name-dropping the best director to ever come out of Japan is never a bad thing.
- DDT’s “SNAPPED”. “Starring Rousimar Palhares. When a bunch of greedy international businessmen, with operational limbs, try to offer a reasonable price for a simple farmboy’s family land he is pushed too far. The boy sets out on a mission of revenge snapping legs and eating cake in this harrowing tale of redemption, confusion and confusion.”
Why this one was awesome: Anything that plays up how Palhares is as dumb as a box of rocks is funny. It’s low-hanging fruit, but it’s still funny.
- Casey’s “MRS MAGOO”. “Starring Adelaide Byrd – Visually impaired, racially biased MMA judge by night, fabulous crime fighter by day. Evil will be judged incorrectly and unfairly. This Summer, JUSTICE IS BLIND!”
Why this one was awesome: Screw Adelaide Byrd. She wouldn’t know the winner of an MMA bout if he mounted her, rained down punches, forced her to roll over, applied a rear naked choke and tapped her out.
- Nicholas O’Dea’s “The Wrestler 2: Broken Diesel”. “MMA Fighter Joe Riggs struggles with obesity and becomes the first fighter to fight with the gastric bypass band and die in the octagon after it explodes due to a Dennis Siver body kick.”
Why this one was awesome: It’s funny because it’s true.
And the winner is… Casey’s MRS MAGOO pitch. Congrats. May Randy Couture’s star turn as a villain who is all villain-ish and stuff warm the furthest reaches of your heart. I will email you to get your mailing address.