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Xyience begins to perform sepuku

As time goes on, the internet gets bigger and bigger and there’s something for everyone out there. If you’re into girls puking and pooping on eachother, the internet has you covered. And if you’re just really into ‘the beverage industry’, then BEVNET.COM has you covered as well! It’s YOUR SOURCE FOR BEVERAGE NEWS, also known as YOUR BEVERAGE NETWORK. Yeah! I’m fucking sold. Bookmark added!

Today, Bevnet has some hard hitting news:

Xyience, the Las Vegas-based maker of Xenergy, had seen fast expansion as a result of a sponsorship deal with the mixed martial arts league UFC and its popular television show   “The Ultimate Fighter.” But this week the company notified much of its approximately 70-member sales force that it would be firing them due to financial setbacks, and this has led to speculation it would soon file for bankruptcy.

The article is nice and no nonsense and goes over Xyience’s ass backwards approach to marketing that saw them blowing millions on TV spots while their product languished on the bottom shelves of supplement stores across the country. Sure, this is nowhere near as juicy (or crazy) as the shit Rich Bergeron spews about the company, but it makes a lot of sense: spend more than you make, and you’re not gonna last.

I’d be amazed if Xyience manages a recovery at this point. Firing your sales staff might buy them a little bit of time, but it’s also like chopping your arm off to make weight for a fight. Good luck winning with one arm, you dumb cripple.

  • Jeremy (not that Jeremy)

    Well, you can outsource sales.

    You can also outsource your arm, if necessary, but outsourced sales is cheaper than a helper monkey, and I’m not sure that helper monkeys are legal under the unified rules.

  • Matt (tapout name shitstain)

    Best advice to Xience: Make products that don’t taste like garbage.

  • marshal

    “dumb cripple” nice Tim Silvia reference.

  • Terrence Halladay

    so they are getting rid of the sales department, but the senior management still gets that 12 million dollar investment from the fertitta brothers? how many other front companies do those guys have?

  • Higgz

    They should try an Internet marketing campaign titled: 2 MMA Fighters, 1 Xyience Cup–a Fight to the Death!!!

  • Accomando

    Price of oil drops and in turn the USD and the loonie come into essentially a statistical dead heat. Canadians had your fun for a couple of months, its over for now, you can once again put canadian quaters into U.S. vending machines without getting pissed off.

    “…1.00 USD = 1.00013 CAD
    United States Dollars Canada Dollars
    1 USD = 1.00013 CAD 1 CAD = 0.99987 …”

  • EdenMachine

    “Yeah! I’m fucking sold. Bookmark added!”

    You fuckers crack me up. :P

  • Lifer

    i dont appreciate your use of the word cripple. maybe if you were crippled you wouldnt have such a crippled sense of humor.

  • Jersey Tomato

    In the words of John Lennon, “There’s no place to hide, when your crippled insided.” It’s obvious the guys behind this website are crippled in a lots of ways. First and foremost, they are Canadian. Secondly, they require a special bathroom stall when they go number 2. (Not because they are in a wheelchair but to accommodate the dude that catches the feces.) I could draw analogies for hours but some of us have to work.