Hello everyone … or rather everyone who was aware that this card was happening at 3pm as opposed to 10. I’ll warn you now … go no further if you don’t want the results from UFC80 yet. Because after the jump, it’s all spoilers and shit. Ready to go? Me too! Lets do it!
- Antoni Hardonk def. Colin Robinson via TKO – Round 1, 0:17
- Paul Kelly def. Paul Taylor via unanimous decision
- Alessio Sakara def. James Lee via TKO – Round 1, 1:30
- Sam Stout def. Per Eklund via unanimous decision
2:57 : They’re showing the UFC80 preview video … how many times can they show Gabriel Gonzaga kicking the head off Mirko Crocop? They literally showed it 7 times in 5 minutes.
Oh yeah, and congrats to the UFC for NOT mentioning any of Werdum’s wins in Pride. Or barely any highlights from pride either. Who needs to use that video library?
Gonzaga KO Crocop clip shown another 4 times. And that black guy with the dreadlocks. Oh yeah, those are pretty much the only highlights in his career.
3:00 : I love the Zuffa logo, it’s so Borg-like. How many times have they done the stupid gladiator thing? Eugh … Gonzaga promises ’15 minutes’. We don’t want 15 minutes. Thank god for Werdu, saying he’ll do it in 1.
Fuck, BJ’s got a HUGE head. IT’S SO HUGE! ARGH BJ HEAD GONNA EAT THE WORLD. Joe looks like a midget next to the might that is BJ’s melon.
Intro shows a crazy leap kick by Werdum. Where was that during the countdown shows? Oh, and look. More Crocop knockouts. Three.
3:05 : The crowd is a bit classier and hotter than Vegas. Not as much silicone on the women. The standard ‘fit and motivated BJ is invincible’ song and dance. I dunno, he was pretty fit and motivated against Hughes the second time around and his ribs weren’t invincible.
3:07 : Joe Stevenson’s cardio is hyped. His cardio was never a question, it’s his ability to finish. He didn’t finish Batman, he ain’t finishing Pineapple Penn.
3:10 : New drinking game – every time they show the Crocop KO, take a drink. By the end of this PPV we’ll all have alcohol poisoning.
KENDALL GROVE vs JORGE RIVERA
3:07 : Oh, it’s the most important fight of their MMA careers? That’s another overused statement from Goldberg. Jorge won 5 out of 7 of his last fights? Translation: works his way up through weak competition then gets KTFO by anyone decent.
3:08 : That Cote loss was so bullshit … lucky punch. That’s why i’m all about Kendall on this one. Jorge walks in and shows off his lame aqua ipod nano. You getting paid for that, son?
By the way, I’ve updated the top of this thread with the prelim winners.
3:11 : What’s with Kendall grove’s retarded masks? This one is red with a lighting bolt on it. How pro-wrestling circa 1993.
3:12 : Kendall said half his ‘friends’ fucked off after the Patrick Cote fight. No one likes a loser, Kendall. And losing the Patrick Cote makes you just that.
Kendall’s got half a fucking foot reach advantage. Too bad his striking isn’t all that deadly yet. I pray the dude works that shit hardcore in the next year.
3:15 : Red bikini alert, is this Edith? It’s Edith!
3:16 : They brought over a ref from New Jersey. Recognize
Jorge lands a great strike against Kendall and knocks him on his butt. Rivera’s on top throwing some good shots to the noggin. Jorge is looking pretty damned agressive. Kendall tries to roll over but just ends up on his back. Jorge reigns down with strikes … Kendall stands up but is getting fucking hammered with strikes to the face. Kendall can’t turn around … he finally faces Jorge and gets knocked the fuck out, leg twisted under him and all.
WINNER : JORGE RIVERA
3:18 : Joe interviews Jorge and Kendall is still laying up against the cage wall with a crowd around him. Jorge wins because of … JESUS! Go Jesus, he’s the best training partner ever. Man, those replays are brutal. KO of the night? Mayhaps. Mayhaps. Jorge steals the mic and thanks everyone in the world. Goldberg says “big amount of shoutouts, big amount of punishment”. Tru nuff.
3:20 : The ufc is advertising the Brock fight like this: “WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WWE GUY COMES TO THE UFC?” Smart. So if he loses, they don’t look silly for setting it up. Man, Brock looks like he’s got herpes on his lips.
JASON LAMBERT vs WILSON GOUVEIA
3:22 : I think Lambert ain’t gonna win … he took a beating from Babalu and won because Babs gassed. Gouveia is hungry, and I think is gonna take it. If he can’t, Lambert can bang so it should be entertaining either way.
3:23 : Haha, they said “Lambert” and “Title Picture” in the same breath. That’s funny
3:25 : Doesn’t anyone tell fighters that Linkin Park or Park-esque music is gay? It’s essentially an all male duet.
3:26 : I love hearing Joe Rogan read down the bullshit bullet points for each fighters. Trying to expand on ‘Power in BOTH hands” is priceless.
3:27 : Lambert still looks like he’s holding some fat on his sides. Perhaps Middleweight has another prospect? Why does the UK still use stones as a measurement?
Wilson Gouveia’s corner is rubbing his head a bit too sensually.
Jason’s definately holding fat. He’s got fat titties. And why did he pull his shorts up so high, what is he, Urkle?
Lambert chases Gouveia around, has good ‘octagon control’. Finally catches him with the world’s sloppiest shoot and Gouviea lets him take it and goes for a weak choke. Lambert pops out and throws some leather. Gouveia counters with an attempted armbar but Lambert powers out. Lambert still on top up against the cage. Wilson is holding Lambert’s hands and is varying from closed to open guard. Seems like he’s looking for something. Rogan says “black belt jj guys are … black belts” Very astute.
Lambert still on top dropping punches. They’re not going through. Wilson does a really nifty trip push that knocks Lambert on his ass. THey stand for about 5 seconds then Wilson allows lambert to take him down and goes for another sloppy weak looking guillotine. Wilson needs to watch Joe Stevenson. Now that’s a choke.
Oooh, Wilson gets a triangle but Lambert drops him on his head till it slips into a omoplata. Lambert escapes and is back on top. Lambert throws some mean looking elbows to the face of Wilson. He’s got good control on top but can’t seem to do any real damage. Wilson continues to look dangeroud on the bottom looking for subs. 20 seconds left. Wilson gets a few good punches in before the end and it’s over.
Winner of the 1st round: Lambert, although Wilson was closer to finishing
I gotta wear a diaper when doing this, I missed the part where someone LOST their mouthpeice. Someone needs to be fired.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. A crazy left hook from Gouveia knocks the fuck out of Jason Lambert. Lambert falls on his face and is OUT. Awesome.
WINNER: WILSON GOUVEIA
3:39 : This show is turning out to be quite epic. 2 great fights, two great knockouts. Me likey. Gouveia says he was restless in the first round because he hadn’t fought for 10 months. Well fuck, who’s gonna win KO of the night now? The UFC should pay extra for every shweet KO and sub.
3:40 : They’re shilling upcoming events. Still amazed Drew McFedries is still fighting a few weeks after his mom was MURDERED. Hardcore. I like how Sylvia vs Nog is on the top of the poster but they barely mention that match when advertising UFC82.
MARCUS DAVIS VS JESS LIAUDIN
3:42 : Haha, Liaudin calls Davis out for being ‘fake Irish’. Nice. Of course, Liaudin is FRENCH. Hmm. He’s got such a weird french/brit accent. Creepy. Davis won against Pete Spratt? Seems like EVERYONE has beaten that guy.
3:42 : Fellow jackal Lifer just called and said Jon Fitch is doing some event watching thing and just said he’s working on getting a fight against Karo now that Gono is injured. Obviously Karo is already slotted and advertised to fight Alves, but against Fitch makes more sense now that the WW backlog for the title is gone.
3:43 : Eugh … Fake Irish busts out the pipes for his entrance. -1 point. +1 point for it turning into House of Pain.
3:47 : Davis looks ready to rumble, he’s hopping around like he’s skippin rope. These guys are pretty much identical. Maybe that’s why they don’t like eachother. Honk. Mario Yamasaki’s put on some fucking weight.
Liaudin throws a kick. Expect 1000 more. Another kick. Another. Another. Oooh Marcus hits him good but eats a kick coming in. Marcus throws a kick now. Shit. It looks like Liaudin ran into a crazy hardcore punch. He is knocked the fuck out. Man, his eye is nasty, one open one closed. The ref is like “Okay, you stay put buddy”.
Oh, Marcus puts on a fucking kilt. And a big christian cross. What a wanker.
WINNER: MARCUS DAVIS
3:54 : Three fights, three KO’s. Nice. Mark DeLaGrotte or whatever his name is, he’s getting lots of pump from this event. Is he gonna be the new Sean Tompkins or Greg Jackson? (aka training camp flavor of the month)
Some people keep booing … guess that’s Liaudin fans. Marcus wins the crowd over by promising to buy a house in Newcastle. I gotta remember that one.
Paul Kelly vs Paul Taylor
3:57 : This Kelly guy’s gotta a retarded british accent. Nice to see a battle between two UK guys on the main card.
3:59 : Eugh … more fucking Linkin Park. I now want Kelly to lose. Talk about camp loyalty … he’s got the Wolfslair logo tattood on his back. Wonder how long till someone tattoos the FL jackal on their back???? Huh? Huh? Aaaw. You guys are no fun.
4:02 : Paul Taylor comes into Powerman 5000. Now I want them to KO eachother at the same time.
Taylor runs over and gives Kelly a hug. How touching. Why does the UK get the Union Jack and that other gay flag. It’s not like anyone gets state or province flags in North America. Fuck off.
Swing swing swing! THis is gonna be another KO. They’re trading crazy punches. Talyor is landing more and Kelly pushes Talyor against the page. Haha I can’t say Paul did this and paul did that because they’re BOTH NAMES PAUL! Kelly continues to push Talyor against the cage. Talyor reverse and lands some good punches and uppercuts. Kelly punches back but Talyor is blocking. Taylor jumps into a flying guillotine but loses it when Kelly drops down.
Kelly is now in closed guard. Kelly is landing a fed good elbows but Taylor is doing a good job of controling and trying to keep himself off the cage. Taylor fiddles for a second with another chioke but lets it go.Kelly’s not doing much on top but holding him down. Taylor keeps throwing his hips and looking for subs. THrows his leg over Kelly’s face and nearly gets an armbar … but doesn’t. Now Kelly takes advantage of the open guard to really lay some shit on Taylor.
Taylor goes for another GUillitine but it’s no good. Kelly finishes the round inactive. I think he’s fucking tired.
Winner: Kelly by position, although it’s fucking close. If the rules were different for judging criteria, i’d give it to Taylor.
Taylor circles and trip takedowns Kelly. He’s now on top and lets see how Kelly likes that! Kelly is in half guard. I think he’s looking for subs on the top. But now he’s layind down some punches. He goes for the back but loses it and is now on the freaking bottom. As the brits would say: Bollocks!
Kelly Seems happy just holding Talyor down. If only Taylor had some good reversal skills. Did no one tell Kelly that if you’re boring, you’re gone from the UFC? Taylor goes for a Kimura and is cranking it like a motherfucker. Lets hope Taylor realizes he’s susceptable now. Kelly reigns down with strikes, no damage done, he’s got no power behind them.
Man, Taylor needs to hear that he can’t finish a kimura in open guard. Joe Rogan reminds everyone of this over and over and over again. Sorry I’m not writing more, but there’s not a whole lot going on … lots of Kelly lying down. He lands a good elbow that cuts open Taylor. That’ll leave a scar.
FUCK! Stop hugging between rounds!
Rogan is telling Taylor: your ground game is shit. Just give it up.
ANOTHER FUCKING HUG. GAY.
And hey look … they’re back on the ground with Kelly on top. Boring. I officially hate Paul Kelly. Goldberg says “This fight has been great” Fuck you Goldberg. If Kelly didn’t suck balls on top and Taylor didn’t suck on the bottom, this fight would be good. As it is, it could have been awesome. But it’s GAYTOWN.
Kelly is in side control and is working that cut with his elbow. Taylor gets back into guard. Yes, Herb Dean stands em up.
Taylor tries to knock him out but he’s otta mustard it seems. Ohh but he’s trying, he’s gloriously trying! Oh, big surprise. Kelly takes it to the ground. SNORE. Rogan again says “Taylor’s ground game sucks” Not in so many words, but read between the lines.
Come on Kelly. You’ve got more than elbows. Use them. Haha … man, Rogan is taling about Taylor with PITY in his voice. He just said Taylor’s attempts to finish are ‘futile’.
Winner: Kelly by lameness
WINNER: PAUL KELLY
The only person lamer than Kelly and his shitty win is that lamer in the crowd with his fucking air horn.
4:26 : Paul Taylor said some stuff, but it was harder to understand than that pikey from the movie Snatch. “hrrr da brehmy. Ma rhh ti dardo mmm submission!”
4:28 : I just realized all they do between fights is hammer advertising into our skulls. For fucks sake guys, we already bought the shit.
FABRICIO WERDUM VS GABRIEL GONZAGA
4:28 : Audio problems … Goldberg talks over pre-recorded Goldberg. Man. That last fight was a dog. I’m praying this one isn’t a dog too.
4:30 : Gonzaga knocks out CroCop. Gonzaga knocks out CroCop. Gonzaga knocks out CroCop. Gonzaga knocks out CroCop. Gonzaga knocks out CroCop. STOP SHOWING IT!
4:33 : Joe Rogan says that Werdum is training at Chute Boxe. Hopefully he’ll be more aggressive.
4:35 Fuck, I’m drunk. That makes liveblogging kinda hard. Man, did those clowns at ringside pay all that money just to throw the horns at the camera all event? They need to get a life.
4:38 : Hmm … gonzaga fatter, Werdum taller. Werdum is clapping for himself as Buffer announces him. Now he’s doing the ‘fist in hand’ thing. Threatening. Man, Gonzaga’s treasure trail runs up to his eyebrows.
Dan Mirgliattiataia gives Buffer the thumbs up for pronouncing his name right.
The two circle eachother. Werdum moves forward to strike and gonzaga picks him up and swings around to drop Werdum on his back. Gonzaga’s got side control, but Werdum brings it back to half guard. Jake wants em standed already. Patience, grasshopper.
Gonzaga’s having a hard time doing anything without getting swept. So Gonzaga just stood up and now they’re circling again. Gonzaga lands a leg kick that looked brutal. Gonzaga lands another one that knocked Werdum on his ass. Gonzaga steps back to let Werdum stand up and take another
Werdum runs in throwing strikes but no good. They seperate and now Wedum tries for a headkick. Oooh Werdum takes two more leg kicks which bring Werdum no his knees. Oooh, another leg kick but Wedum grabs it and takes Gonzaga down. Werdum is in half guard. Werdum throws some weak punches and elbows, no damage done. More elbows, and now they’re picking up pepper. Gonzaga goes for a kneebar. Werdum is defending and now they’re waiting to see who does what first. But the round ends.
Round 1: winner Gonzaga for the leg kicks
I know i know, it’s WERDUM not WEDUM. I’m drunk, cut me some fucking slack. The camera man is so close to the ringgirls I swear he’s living in their cleavage.
Gonzaga threatens the kick. Zerdum steps in and goes for strikes. Not shabby. Werdum gets taken down but Gonzaga doesn’t step in. They stand. Werdum landed another good strike. Now the’yre starting to trade! Both fighters throw good headkicks which miss. And another leg kick by gonzaga.
Werdum steps in and throws two lazy shots. Wedum kics but Gonzaga catches and throws a strike at Werdum. Gonzaga is a kicking machine. Oooh, Gonzaga craches a kick and trips Wedum on his ass. Dan Mirgililiatai says “COME ON GUYS LETS GO”. I agree. Another leg kick by Gonzaga which looked painful.
Werdum does a nice knee to gonzaga’s face. Oooh looks like he figured something out. Wedum steps in and is throwing more knees. They seperate and circle eachother. Wedum now throws knees like it’s the ultimate weapon. Gonzaga doesn’t seem to know what to do when they’re tied up. More knees. Right to Gonzaga’s face. Gonzaga goes down to hands on the ground to avoid knees but he looks fucking toast.
Werdum is pounding away on Gonzaga with 30 seconds left. Gonzaga does nothing butr cover his face. And the ref steps in and stops it.
WINNER: WERDUM. Haha, who would have thought Werdum by strikes.
4:54 :Werdum says “Gonzaga’s head is very hard. Sorry I don’t speak english. This fight was no harder than my hard training” Hmm, his translator didn’t make him sound like a guy who was losing that fight. What the fuck is up with him continuing to do that whole “Rocking the baby” hand motion???
4:55 : BJ penn looks like he’s in a fucking trance. Stevenson looks scared as he jumps rope. Haha I still get a laugh when they show Brock Lesnar doing backbreakers on pro wrestlers. WOW! SO DEVASTATING! HE’S AWESOME!
BJ PENN VS JOE STEVENSON
Sean Sherk is wearing a VELVET SHIRT> A VELVET BUTTON UP SHIRT. Wow, he’s terrible at commentary. If only there was a steroid for that too
BJ says he’s REALLY in the best shape of his life. Not like all those other times he said he was in the best shape of his life.
Joe Stevenson is walking to the octagon like most guys would walk to the electric chair. Slow shuffling. Joe Rogan asks what Sherk would do to beat BJ Penn. Duh … lay n pray, bitch! Of course, he says ‘work the cardio’. Is that code for lay n pray? Close enough.
BJ Penn comes in to some weird Hawaii muzak. Why are hawaiians so patriotic? YOU ARE AMERICA’S BITCH. They wanted a tourist trap so they took you over. You’re only around so war planes can refuel. Sure, that might not technically be correct, but anyways. Say that to a Hawaaian and see how they react. It’s awesome.
Eugh, if i live to be 100 years, I’d be happy not hearing people talk about Old BJ / New BJ. So tired. I think the same guy who films the ringgirls is also filming the belt. ULTRA CLOSE SHOT! Get right in there, tiger. Good job.
Bruce Buffer is going nuts! “the former … UFC … WELTERWEIGHT … CHHHAAAAAMMPIIIOIOIOIOIN! BJ …………………… PEEEEENN OMGZOMZZOMZGOHIEWGOH”
Let’s pray Herb Dean doesn’t fuck this up.
BJ Penn looks like hes 60. Oh shit. He’s wailing on stevenson. He knocks him down and now BJ puts him on his back and he’s in half guard. The crowd screams BJ. haha … illegal knee that no one sees. Possibly illegal elbows. I luv you BJ penn. Stevenson hangs on tight for the ride. Some corner guy is blowing his lungs out screaming BLARGH KNEES KNEES ELBOWS!
Stevenson is now in open guard. Not a lot of damage from BJ So far. Joe’s trying to stand back up. Oh shit. BJ got into mount, almost got the back but yeah he’s now in mount. And he’s into side control. BUt now back to half guard. Joe pushes up agains the fence and is sitting up. He’s working BJ’s ribs. Penn stands back up and throws some leather. Joe spazzes and bj almost gets his back. BJ in side control and moves Joe away from the cage.
Mount again for BJ. But joe pusjhes him away. He yells WHOOSH as he punches BJ in the head. Gotta give it to Joe, he’s really good at getting away from BJ’s mount.
HOLY FUCK> BJ PENN dorpped an elbow and Joe is bleeding like a fucking pig. It’s a fucking HORRORSHOW in the octagon.
ROund 1 ends. Hold fuck, he’s bleeding so fucking bad. Jesus crhist i’m gonan vomit.
Winner of round 1: BJ PENN.
Small cut, lots of blood. They’re gonna let it go till Joe passes out. Joe’s looking like he knows he’s got nothing to lose now. No relying on cardio any more. They cirlce with Joe throwing lots of punches. BJ seem,s a bit freaked out and tentative. Maybe he’s waiting for Joe to fall over dead from loss of blood. BJ throws a good hook and staggers Joe. Another. BJ’s punches are crisp and landing.
Herb Dean times outs and checks the cut. Joe says “there’s no blood in the eyes”. Yeah, it’s all fucking over EVERYTHING ELSE. Restart and we keep going. BJ Penn seems happy to wait and let Joe do whatever and counter. Oh, he runs in and starts landing punches. He gets a hook in but Joe rolls over into mount. BJ penn has mount and is reigning down punches. BJ is trying to hook Joe’s neck to hold him down rather than touch Joe’s bloody face.
Oh shit, Joe rolls over for 30 seconds and leaves a puddle when he comes back up. Bj Penn peppers Joe with strikes and joe starts rolling to avoid strikes. BJ unleases a few good strikes and gets Joe to give his back. BJ takes the back and lands a submission.
WINNER: BJ PENN by SUB
Fuck … and they have Sean Sherk ruining this awesomeness by claiming “That’s not how it’ll go with me”. Someone cuts off the douche’s mic. Thank you.
BJ Penn in a fit of excitement LICKS THE BLOOD OFF HIS GLOVE. Joe Stevenson is crying. Wow, he’s really crying hardcore. BJ leans on Herb Dean as he’s given the belt.
5:28 : BJ Penn is now only the second guy in history to hold belts in two divisions. BJ says ‘look at my abs!’ … underwear models have better ones still. Not like i look at that shit.
Haha, BJ just said “Sean, you’re dead. Seeya!” Everyone boos Sean as he comes into the ring. Sean says “I don’t care that I’m an unpopular piece of shit”. BJ Penn says “It’ll be a great fight” and that’s it. I wish he’d said something better. Haha, they cut to Sean Sherk looking pissed and upset outside the ring.
COLIN REOBINSON VS ANTONI HARDONK
Hardonk is playing that awesome Castle song by Clint Mansell from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. We used that in the ‘Hard to Knock Down’ parody.
The fact that they’re showing this fight makes me think it’s gonna be another retarded knockout. THat’s right, I kept from being spoiled and didn’t check the results. WAR ANTONI!
Robinson is sponsored by Fighters Only. Now I’m torn, that’s my man Hywel’s magazine. Oh well, so long as it’s spectacular, I’m down.
I think Arianny pulled her top down a bit to show off more tits. And Hardonk kicks Robinson in the knee and Robinson falls over. The ref stops it? Huh?
Okay, on the replay i kinda understand, but you can fight on the ground without your leg. What the fuck was up with that? WHY would you show this fight? That was gay as hell!
WINNER: ANTONI HARDONK
5:38 : Haha Hardonk talks like GOldmember. How about a shaushage and a pancake, you fhag?
Oh, there we go. I see the flash knockout punch. Still. Dumb fight to show. WTF.
Holy shit. They’re showing ANOTHER prelim fight. Awesome. Nevermind all my criticism earlier. UFC, i <3 U
ALESSIO SAKARA VS JAMES LEE
Yeah, next event I’m wearing a diaper. I miss way too much by pissing like 10 times during an event. James lee has some weird tattoos … or are those birthmarks?
Shit, Sakara comes into the 300 soundtrack, same song we used for the Friday Night Fight advertisement. Hilarious. That’s two songs we used that they’ve used. Man, if Sakara loses he’s fucking gone. He looks so marketable you know they’ve only kept him around this long to see if he can be a star. I dunno though.
The announcers just said James Lee is big on the ground. Uh-oh. Haha, Buffer fucks up Dan Mirghiogiiosta’s name.
They circle around and James shoots hardcore for one foot, Good wrestling shoot, grabs the leg and climbs up to wrap the hips. Lee works on it and takes Sakara down. Lee is now in half guard. Sakara jumps back up and seperate.
Lee looks like he hurt his leg, he’s limping a bit. Fuck, Sarkara hust thrw a big leg kick. Lee takes Sakara down but Sakara gets back up and is trying to pry Lee off his leg. Sakara’s casual punches to Lee’s head while trying to throw him off result in a stoppage.
Well … what, are we gonna show all the lame finishes? I’d have rather seen a competitive decision than two dumb stops. I mean, yeah, both guys who went out were to fault, but it still sucks.
WINNER: ALESSIO SAKARA
And that’s all she wrote, peeps. Catch you on the radio side of things in about 10 minutes!